new blog

I have moved to word press....

http://bkocka.wordpress.com/

check it! (I think blogger hates that I've moved to a wordpress, so it wont let me link to it. ha.)

here comes the new one!

enter... Shiloh!

goodbye, angelina....

death cab for cutie: it makes me emo

My cd player on my computer at work isn't working, so I am using IMEEM to listen to tunes. A friend of mine whom I go to church with turned me onto IMEEM. So I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I love them, but I mean seriously all their music is about love. The kind of love you long to have in your life; the kind you find in fairy tales.

But here's the thing... I don't need a fairy tale. Fairy tales aren't real. I want a man who just loves me and will be there for me when the fairy tale goes bad. I don't need a man, and God is continually teaching me to look to Him [God] for my needs; however I know that He has instilled in me the desire for a man to spend the rest of my life with for His [God's] purpose.

So, here I sit.

Emo.

Listening to music that is bitter, broken and about love between a man and a woman, and it makes me think of the fairy tale I once had for such a short time. But then, as they always do, it went bad.

God can work even in this.

protest and prayer: abortion

I am a rather conflicted person. It is birthed out of compassion for people living in sin—which we all are, however some of us are choosing to fallow the Lord and throw off sin, take up our cross and die to ourselves.

Well over a year ago I was in a relationship that I wanted to be "it". I was in fact, ready to be married (or so I thought). I grew up committing myself and my body to the Lord. No one person forced me into this. I decided this entirely on my own. I decided I was going to be a virgin until I was married. Little did I know that serious commitment seeks different forms of expression. When on person (male to a female or female to male) is committed to another, for a life time, we are called to "become one" with that person. I was so madly in love with my then boyfriend and so committed to being his for the rest of our lives that that commitment called for a "oneness".

I gave in to the "oneness". Keep in mind this wasn't birthed out of lust. I really want to clarify that. If I wanted to just have sex then I wouldn't have been in a long term relationship. This was a well thought over process. I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life.

Fast forward to now... That relationship wasn't it. The Father was calling me back to Him; for I had strayed far. He was seeking me out. I returned—the prodigal daughter.

While I was in this previous relationship I used birth control. I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother, and while yes, the fruit of a sexual relationship is birthing a child and two becoming one, I knew "better" if you will. I knew that I wasn't ready for a kid. I didn't want to tell my parents I needed birth control, and if I went to our family doctor it would be billed to my dads insurance meaning he would find out, and my secret would be found out. The whole situation was wrong, and outside of the Fathers plan for me. I knew it every second of every day, but I continued. So, I went to Planned Parenthood. They were there with me, to guide me through a somewhat hard emotional and physical journey that I wouldn't allow my parents, or my Father in heaven to be part of.

This weekend, some friends of mine are heading to the local abortion clinic to silently protest and pray for the reversal of roe vs. wade. They will camp out with red tape over their mouths with the word "life" written on it, praying.

While I am anti-abortion; believing that the life of a child is right at conception, I am also pro-choice. The world tells us it is a woman’s body (even if it is a temple for the Lord) and she does get to choose what she wants to do with it—however the choice is not hers to make about the life of another, that being the child she is carrying in her womb. I do not and will not ever advocate for abortion. But part of me advocates for Planned Parenthood, or any other "free clinic" being a refuge to guys and girls in troubling places, needing birth control, std and sti tests, et al because I have been there. In a time when I was lost and confused they were there to help me. In an ideal world I would not have been so stupid and careless, and would have turned to my Father in heaven.

However we do not live in an ideal world.

So what do we do? While yes, the intention behind the life-tape prayer and protest things are good and it is important to bring public awareness to abortions, and the Father does desire justice for the unborn I don’t necessarily agree with the way a lot of folks are going about it. I wonder if they are being too vocal? Do we need to sit outside of a clinic like that? Or do we actually need to just shut up for five seconds and love someone, take them in and really just LOVE ON THEM? If someone would have done that with me the first time I walked into Planned Parenthood in Uptown things could have been different with me.

In the book of John it says “they will know we are Christians by our love” not “they will know we are Christians by our politically-charged-prayer and protests.” We need to go into the secret place and cry out. It’s in the secret place He sees us, meets us and changes us (Matthew 6). And I wonder, have people doing these protests actually asked the Lord “Is it okay to do this life protest and prayer thing on Saturday? Is this what you would have for us, Lord?” So many of us forget (myself included) to ask the Lord if it’s okay. We pray about it thinking that that will do the trick, when in reality we need to quiet ourselves and listen to His still, small voice speaking to our hearts, praying that His Holy Spirit would come and discern on our behalf. He has to give us permission otherwise we are vainly seeking after His justice which may not be ordained by Him at that exact moment.

But, maybe I am wrong. I know that the intentions of the people’s hearts are in line with our Father in regards to abortions and the prayer of the reversal of roe v wade, but what about the fallow through?

All I know is if I was walking into any clinic and there were people sitting outside of it with "life" taped over their mouth, protesting about what I am about to go do inside those doors I would feel hate and condemnation by those people, instead of feeling the Fathers love for us.

And this I know, I am called to love as the Lord has loved, not condemn.

I watched this pretty cool video about who God is today... it relates to music and our understanding of having a relationship with God and why Jesus helps us understand who He is. Pretty interesting. The myspace profile that posted the video may be a bit sketchy, but after doing some research I found out that this video isn't produced by the person who posted it. Rather it is from a video series called NOOMA. I'd recommend going to NOOMA and seeing what they are all about, they are on the fringe of some pretty interesting spiritual stuff that really relates to our post modern society.

embryonic excess

tattoo!

I got my first tattoo... so I feel the need to show it off.

John Mark McMillan; The Song Inside the Sound of Breaking Down

just got the John Mark McMillan Cd in the mail... holy goodness. So much truth in it. It's a wonderful mix of folk-rock that makes you want to drive down a dirt road, windows down, blasting the music and weeping at the truth found in it. It is provacative and the heart behind it is something that the mainstream-western-church is in desperate need of.

favorite song so far....

Closer

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me bleedin'
cause I need more now than a fairy tale,
a god who lives in a book.
I need someone real.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me on my knees,
cause I need more now than philosophy.
Some god in outer space doesn't mean anything to me.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If I begged you, would you come closer to me now?
Would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

Son of David, do not pass me by,
cause I am naked,
I'm poor and I'm blind.
Son of david, don't pass me by,
cause I am naked,
I'm poor and I'm blind.

http://www.reverbnation.com/johnmarkmcmillan
go there and listen to it. Oofda (that was so Minnesotain of me...)

I'm keeping it light, today.

If you are a cyclist, you might appreciate this...

"While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium." http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

politics meet faith and values?

I decided today would be the day that I start checking in on the 2008 presidential candidates. I have just been poking around on Yahoo! NEWS. I don't know nearly enough about any of the candidates, so each day I think I will go onto every candidates web page and take a look through their issues, and then find some information about them from a non-biased source.

Today is Barak Obama.

I watched his speech on politics and religion and he said some things that were right on, however he also said some things that were way, way off. There is grace for that. Not any one presidential candidate will be 100% right... it will just be interesting to find the one who has the general "gist" of balanced politics.

as some of you know, I am into graphic design, photography, marketing and communication. I get particularly frustrated when a church has terrible marketing and communication. I ran across this web page today.... check it out.

drum roll please...... I would like to announce my acceptance to St. Stephens University's affiliated program; The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies.

The school is located in New Brunswick, Canada. The program is 1 year, and the certificate recived is applicable to another 3 years at SSU. Class starts September 6!

So hey everyone... I'm moving to the east coast in August!

rip angelina

Angelina, the name of my car (named after Angelina Jolie) got sandwiched between 2 cars today on highway 62 west bound.

RIP Angelina, you were good to me for almost a year. We'll see if you can be revived once the insurance agent takes a nice, long look under your hood.

doctrine, eh?

By this all people will know you are my disciples, by our doctrine.

opps wait, let's re-think that.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:34-35

I have been reading different church's doctrine for the past few days. Where in the bible does it say that we have to hold strong to this perfect doctrine? Don't get me wrong it is important to have a statement of faith but no one has the perfect doctrine. Not one church that I can think of, not one doctrine that I have read. Each one tho, has had peices of what I have found to be true of our Father in heaven. That is encouraging.

I think the apostle Paul would be really, really angry at us right now. If he saw how we are taking his letters, which are really just his testimony to what he knows to be true of the living God, and splitting his words, fighting over them and making them this doctrinal thing he probably wouldn't have even written them. I can only imagine what type of letter he would be writting to the church today. And who said that the bible is this almighty thing we are supposed to fallow? Wait, rethink that. I know and believe the bible to be true, and it is God given to us for a purpose. But the New Testiment isn't over. We are the New Testiment. The "bible" ie testimony of God's faithfulness to us, isn't done being written. Each and every one of us is writting our testimony as we fallow God when he speaks to us. Paul wasn't looking at the old testiment (at least not often since it was tough to get your hands on a scroll) as he wrote his letters to the churchs however many years ago. He was hearing from God. Because yes, we have a God that speaks.

God affirms us through the bible, but He also says things that can't be found in the bible. Example would be me saying, "Hey God, I really want to get that 2003 pontiac vibe. Is that cool?" If God only said things that are found in the bible it would go something like this... "_______________." Yea He would say nothing because there arn't cars in the bible. But here's the thing... just because it cant be found in the bible doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Scary, isn't it? God is a black and white God, but we live in a grey world that we have to allow Him to speak into. There are things now that weren't found back when Paul was around. God is the same God but we are a different time, and He will speak to us. If we hold onto this "only if it's in the bible thing" then we are missing what God might have for us, and really we are just guessing. But if we fallow what Jesus says in the gospel of John "my sheep will hear My voice" we will begin to come into the fullness of what our Father in heaven has for us.

So let's get rid of this doctrinal thing. Let's love God, desire to hear Him (or ask Him to instill in us a desire to hear Him) and love eachother. Let's fallow the things He speaks to us, whether that be through the bible or through His voice unto our hearts.

in us, through us, despite us

"He’s working in us and through us despite us. " – Nate Streed

This is something I am coming to terms with in my life. God is working in us and through us despite us. Despite our slugish ways, we are His vessels. Just broken ones. But as Jim Erickson said a few weeks back in his sermon at City Hill, "There is no plan b. We're it."

Something for you to ponder today. Not everyone is right in their thinking or theology. As a matter of fact I can assure you that most of us are wrong—but God has grace for that. We are it, despite how much we suck a majority of the time He uses us to teach others, and to teach ourselves through His Holy Spirit. And what a good God He is.

And on another note that relates back to that.... take a look at these cartoons I got from Dan Kimball via Dan Wilt's Blog. Pretty interesting... food for thought.

some cool photos

These are a few of the photos I took on Mothers day... I thought I'd share them with you all.

Dan Wilt posts some really interesting stuff on his blog. I have been reading it a lot latley.

check this out.

ridding ourselves of the line

I go through music phases. One day I will be listening to primarily christian worship albums—nothing overly exciting, just the usual. Then, I get into a stage of listening to secular music. What I find disheartening about music, and society is general is this vast need for terminology and segregation. Why can't music just be music? Why does there have to be this split? There is so much awesome-spiritual-music out there by people who are considered "secular artist", and there is that line that divides "us from them". God asks us to be set apart, but He also asks us to be part of this world. In the world but not of it.

I personally want my music to minister to everyone, not something contingent on a person’s spiritual journey. And if you think about it, every person in the world is on a spiritual journey. There is no segregating line. All that is black and white is whether we are actively choosing God, or actively choosing everything but God, and in that we are set apart.

I am seeing more and more today this line of segregation. "Let's go out and save the heathens." We all are heathens. There need not be a line drawn in the sand. Maybe there is a stage of our spiritual walk where we are called to be in close community with other believes a majority of our time (and by no means am I saying that it is wrong to be in close community with people who share your values, beliefs and spiritual fervor) but there is another time where we are set apart to be in the world but not of the world. To rid ourselves of that line and embrace humanity in the beauty of its brokenness.

I went for a ride at lebanon last night. I really dig riding by myself. I find that place of solitude and peace even if there are other riders out there. I ran into my ex—kindof. It's good to know there are no hard feelings there. It is true proof that God does heal your heart in though situations.

I have to exercise a degree of self controll at work these days. They unblocked myspace, youtube, facebook, et al and I have this desperate urge to start logging into all my accounts at work. They unblocked them but are still monitoring our use of them because God forbid we actually have the slightest bit of entertainment while at work. However I am trying to be a bit more respectful while on my way out the door here at my job. It's just a matter of months and then I will be flying high, spreading my wings and doing my own thing (and getting a tattoo to match).

More details to come later.

what's up with all this terminology?

ter·mi·nol·o·gy (tûr'mə-nŏl'ə-jē) Pronunciation Key n. pl. ter·mi·nol·o·gies The vocabulary of technical terms used in a particular field, subject, science, or art; nomenclature.

Churches these days are full of what I call the "system". This is disheartening to me because this said "system" puts a lot of things in a box. God doesn't like boxes. Jesus fought against this same system. However on the other hand, terminology is used in the most basic means of communication. You wouldn't really understand what I was typing if we didn't put it in terms that make sense to you. So where is that line drawn?

I just watched a video on the Missional Church Movement and the Emergent vs. Emerging Churches. In the western culture church there are too many terms to be put up next to a church. Missional, Emergent, Reformed, Reformed-Charismatic, Emerging. When did it become so important to make a church just one of these things? I submit to you that the church today is maybe supposed to be all of these things. That we do focus on God being a sovereign and supreme being who is the author and finisher of our lives, that he does desire us to move with His Holy Spirit in an outward expression (charismatic, if you will), that He does desire us to be community oriented or "missional"... the ideal church should be all of these things, and more. So why give a church just one term? Why just one name?

First of all... just look at these photos... and then imagine living in a place that has all of this stuff...... Maybe you have never experianced this—but have you ever made plans to do something, told everyone about those plans and then backed out of doing them? Well I have. So that is why I am leary of mentioning anything more about these photos. I am however looking into a school, and I really want to go but I am not sure about it. However I will keep dreaming, praying and thinking about it.... untill then I will lovingly stair at these photos.

knowledge of the heart

It's been a while since I've posted, hasn't it? I've been busy.

Okay okay maybe not, I just havn't had much to blog about. I'm trying to keep this blog "about" something, and I havn't had much to report in the department of christian theology, or worship. I'm just living life. There is a lot on my plate at the moment about what I will be doing and where I will be living within the next few months but nothing is official so I don't want to make a big fuss about it only to backout at the last second. let's just say the engines are churning and something sweet is being cooked up.

I am officially over my crush. It's a good feeling, actually. Now I can totally focus on Jesus without having a guy get in the way. And sometimes as unfortunate as it is dorky, no-big-deal crushes on guys after a breakup help the mending process. I wish that Jesus could be enough of a help to that process, but at times I avert my attention to another guy so I don't think about the ex so much, avert but don't act. But now, I don't think about the ex much nor do I even care about mr. crush-boaz-jesus lover. It's good. I'm happy in my singleness. It's the right place for me. I have so much I am going to do while I am single that God couldn't do if I was married.

I am learning that life is about the journey, not the destination. Cliche', right? Well no matter how cheesey and cliche' it sounds—it's truth. I am so tunnel visioned. I get so focused on the outcome of something, and getting to that outcome that I miss what it takes to get there. I now have the head knowledge drilled into me; it's good to have goals but we can't forget the now. So now I am learning to make it a reality not just a theory that I know in my head. And even more, I need it to turn even more into knowledge of the heart.

Ministry vs. Market Place

I have this never ending urge in my heart to be a worshipper. It came out of my heart at age seven. I can remember it clear as day. I walked into church, and it was real worship of the living God. People were worshipping in spirit and in truth, and even at seven something clicked in me and I heard God call me by name to a lifestyle of worship.

Worship unto God is a posture of your heart. It isn't the music that you play, the cd's you listen to, the songs you sing in church. Those things are just our foul attempt at worshipping the living God.

"Worship is not simply an external act, though the expression of it can and should be very physical, but comes from our center. Worship can be defined as our spirit surrendering to and communing with God's Spirit. To worship in truth is to know who God truly is..."
Brian Doerksen, Vineyard Worshipper and Worship Leader

Since I was young I felt a calling not only of worship, but to be a worship leader on my life. For the longest time I wanted to do that as a "career" if you will. That feeling, the wanting to be a worship missionary—to go to places and minister to hurt and broken people through music still lingers in my soul. I desire that as my life more and more. How does one attain that? Do I drop everything and go to school for worship leading? Do I stick around here, minister at my local church and see where God takes me? Do I go to school for something "market place-oriented" and have a secular career while still doing ministry on the side? These are the struggles of my day—to hear God's clear voice in this all and do His will for my life.

the day to day

I am finding the joy in the little things. Emails from friends, rocking out to music in my car. Playing the piano. Breathing the springtime air when I open the side door at work to put the mail outside, my dog. God can be found in all these things. He gives us these things because He loves us. It says in the bible that every good and perfect gift comes from His hand (James 1:17), and these things that I am learning to enjoy—those small things, I am loving and thanking Him for. I am especially thankful for all the new friendship I have encountered as of late. I am reaching out to people who I don't know but have always wanted to know and it is great. God is doing a good work in me through that.

I am preparing to play a worship set at the truebridge pastors conference in two days. Not only that but I am kicking the conference off. I am trying to not make it a big deal in my head but in my heart it feels like a lot of weight to be put on my shoulders. I sometimes doubt my abilities as a worship leader. Things have been off lately however today I found myself asking God to give me a life of worship, quite literally. I would rather just live from day to day on what God gives to me, travel around the world and minister to hurt and broken people through worship. I would rather do that for the rest of my life than go back to school. Although school is good, sometimes it doesn't feel like it has much eternal value. However me saying that will only put God in a box. I want to only desire to do what He wants me to do.

Still working on the crush thing. There is a man, who is a Boaz. But I am fixing my eyes on Jesus and you know what? It's working. It doesn't mean that I don't have that crush still, because I do, however I am not sold out to it and I still continually check my heart on it. I am not going to be the pursuer. If this guy is someone worth being my someone then in God's timing he will pursue me and until then, if then rather, I am learning that Jesus is more than enough.

i've made the transition

Sometimes I look at the reformed–charismatic movement and think "it's just a fad." It is in fact a fad. However that doesn't mean there isn't truth to be found within it. I love City Hill Fellowship because it is slightly reformed, charismatic and not afraid to move where the Holy Spirit leads the church. City Hill is becoming more and more well balanced with every passing day. So, I am not one for fads, and with the reformed–charismatic movement came the ESV Translated bible. After spending much time in prayer over whether or not I should make the switch from KJV to the ESV I finally did it. I didn't want to do it to fallow the fad, but I didn't want to not fallow the fad if it is something that I should do. So I did it. I bought an ESV Bible. I like it a lot and I am very excited to study out of it regularly.

This past weekend was a blast. Friday night I made enchiladas for Zach, Nathaniel and Seth. Then us four as well as Karen and Charlie sat around and talked about the young adult movement and where we are going to go next. We decided that by this Friday we were going to have a name to slap onto our once or twice a month meeting. I'm excited to see what we come up with. After that Zach, Nathaniel, Seth and I prayed for each other and I went home only to go to bed at about 3:00 am. Saturday I hung out with MarthaJoy a majority of the day and then she went with me to karaoke night at the Gills with a bunch of people from Prepare Ministries. It was pretty fun and we may have sung Mmboy and These Boots are Made for Walking. Sunday I woke up bright and early and led worship at church (which went really, really well). I got a word from former Senior Pastor Jim McCracken, which was pretty sweet. I then went over to Zach's where he, Karen, Charlie, Lisa, Nathaniel, Matt, Bonnie and I ate lunch together, played some ultimate frisbee (in the pouring rain), ate some ice cream, talked theology, everyone but Zach, Nathaniel and I left so we embraced MNT (Mutual Nap Time) while Zach read from The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer out loud to me. It was one of the best weekends I have ever had. I am happy I have started to embrace large groups of people and getting to know the young people from my church. It's great to have people interested in the same things as me. To have Jesus as the common denominator in our relationships is better than any other mutual interest.

lessons from the lonliness

I am in quite the mood this morning. Quite the good mood, actually. It's strange because I had a ridiculously emotion-filled night last night however I am feeling mighty good this fine morning. I don't know if it’s the caribou coffee (that I am drinking and not freaking out about drinking), Jesus being awesome, or something else entirely.

I have realized a few important things. First, my parents are in California for a few days meaning I am very much alone right now. It is at times like these that I don't have many distractions and my emotions come out to play, and I learned a few things last night. Crushes on boys don't mean you are over and moved on from previous relationships, the enemy (aka Satan)will try and make you feel guilty, lowly and alone when you have no one turn to (physically) in your emotional times, and Jesus in those times totally rules. I pulled a "David" last night. You know, King David. Old Testament style. If you read the first 20 or so Psalms you find David crying out to God, "Do not forget me in these times, have mercy on me for I am Your loving child, although my enemies try and defeat me I will cry out to You to save me."

I did that last night. I cried for a good 2 hours, and then all of a sudden something snapped in me. I said to God, "No way will the enemy defeat me here. He will not let me feel guilty and alone because I am loved by You. Have mercy on me; teach me Your ways because I have given you the irrevocable rights to my life. Change my heart to be like Yours."

And after I made the decision to stop feeling sorry for myself, and cried out to God all of a sudden the tears that I was crying dried up. I went up to my room, read my bible, rocked out to some music and feel asleep. And for once I did this on my own. I did what I needed to do with the grace of God by myself. Instead of calling my dad or Nora I dealt with it. It was a good lesson to learn—that although we have people we can lean on sometimes we do need to do what we need spiritually ourselves.

I'm gong to pee my pants.

Lebanon is officially opened for 2007! I don't care how much mono is left in my body, or how swollen my liver still is... I will be mountain biking for the rest of the week--hands down.

ephesians

I read the book of Ephesians tonight at guess where? Starbucks. Mmm that grande 2 pump no water chai was delicious... oh yea back to the blog. I'm just going to throw up some notes I have here and let you sort through them how you see fit. Oh, and for you who care tonight I am reading out of the New Living Translation.

Ephesians 1:3-4 speaks plainly of God's soverignty in our lives. If you skip ahead to 1:13 you see it says "And now you have heard the truth, and the Good News that God saves you. And when you believe in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago." A proof of receiving adoption by God through His son Jesus is by recieving the Holy Spirit in our lives. I also find it interesting that the three; Father, Son and Holy Spirit show up here in form of the trinity, being together yet completely seperate. But you notice you do not have one without the other.

One of my favorite verses in the bible that I have read thus far is found in Ephesians 3:12; "Because of Christ and our faith in Him, we can now come fearlessly into God's presence assured of His glad welcome." I don't know why I love it so much. It's just great to know that I can through reconciliation by Christ with the power of the Holy Spirit meet with God and experiance a taste of His presence. It astonishes and bewilders me to think of this privledge. A Kevin Prosch song says it best. "A father who loves me, a Son who forgives me, a Spirit who guides me, that's who You are." Because of the trinity and the power of God in each part of that we can come to know Him more, and that is one of the great mysteries of the trinity revealed to me.

Ephesians 4:14-16a,17-27 talks about growing in maturity; to be no longer like a child who is wishy-washy and believes lies as truthes, but rather to be mature and knowledgable as we have recieved the fullness of God through Jesus.

"Then we will no longer be like children, forever changing our minds about what we believe someone has told us something different or because someone has cleverly lied to us and made the lie sound like truth. Instead, we will hold to the truth in love, becoming more and more in every way like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Under his direction the whole body is fitted together prefectly...."

"With the Lord's authority let me say this: Live no longer as the ungodly do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their closed minds are full of darknessl they are far away from the life of God because they have shut their minds and hardened their hearts against Him. They dont care anymore about right and wrong, and they have given themselves over to immoral ways. Their lives are filled with all kinds of impurity and greed. But this isn't what you were taught when you learned about Christ. Since you have heard all about him and have learned the truth that is in Jesus, throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and throu, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature becausee you are a new person, created in God's likeness--righteous, holy and true. So put away falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth" because we belong to eachother. And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Dont let the sun go down while you are still angry..."

It's a lot to read, right? And there sure is a lot of meat in there. But these verses really struck me tonight. There is a point when we meet Jesus and are like children being very immature in our walk with God. But there comes a time when we must "throw off our evil nature" and choose what is God and we can do this through the saving grace of Jesus dying on that cross and by the Power of the Holy Spirit. We are growing in maturity through Christ so we must start making those concious decisions to choose what is good and what is right, and that is God and what He commands for our lives. We also must learn what it is to be transparent with one another--in love. To be truthful and not get angry because of it. These are some things that a lot of christians miss, myself included. There comes a point when the grace card doesn't seem so easy to play. Yes, we will always need grace but we must start acting like mature christians because God does call us to be "not like children" or "living like the ungodly do" but to step it up a notch. Like Paul is doing in this letter--holding the church of Ephuses accountable, we as mature christians must model this to eachother. And what a good model Paul provides for us.

Lastly, a verse that stuck out to me is Ephesians 6:23, "May God give you peace, dear brothers and sisters, and love with Faith, from God the father and the Lord Jesus Christ."

May not seem like a big deal, right? But wait... back it up. Love with faith? Love with faith from God and Jesus? Love requires faith? God grants us love, but it goes hand in hand with faith? And faith is interchangable with trust. So swap those two out... "and love with trust, from our God the father and the Lord Jesus Christ." We are to have trust/faith with out love. It is a command. Love with faith. It takes faith to love. It takes trust to love. And we must do it. It just blew me away for some reason.

and with that... I go to bed.

: )

I got bored today so I made this.

choosing Number One

I have found a new joy in sitting at coffee shops for an extended period of time by myself. I got an IPOD Shuffle for Christmas and I hadn't been getting much use out of it because I wanted it for riding purposes. However I put a bunch of really good worship music on it, and lately I have been sitting at Starbucks, Dunn Brothers or School of the Wise and rocking out while reading a good book or the bible.

I have also been reading my bible every night before I go to bed—only missing one night since I started doing that. Keep in mind I am not the most motivated of people so for me to be committed enough every night to set aside some time to read the bible is a major feat for me. It's always hard to decide where in the bible to start reading if you don't make it a regular part of your life so I decided that I wanted to learn more about Jesus so Matthew seemed like a good place to start. I am reading the King James Version and (watch me put my foot in my mouth now...) for once in my life I wish it wasn't the King James. I have no problem reading text in KJV however when it's dialogue that's a different story. And obviously the book of Matthew has a lot of Jesus talking so it's tough. However I like it because it allows my brain to get some much needed exercise.

I feel like I haven’t really blogged about relationships lately. Maybe a little bit here and there, but nothing in depth or hardcore. Maybe that is good because that means that I am not focusing on that in my life—and I think that is slightly true. See, God instilled in me the desire to be married however marriage is just a slave to relationship. Marriage isn't the end result because if it was then what would 2 people in love do after they get married? I have been learning this more and more everyday. I have been avoiding the relationship blogging mostly because I am not the person who wants to bad mouth my ex's. I've done that enough in this life. They all were good guys and deserve good reputations and I hope in no way to shed them in a negative light. With that said, here's some relationship blogging.... *muah* (that's for you Nora).

Jesus is my number one. I am learning to be satisfied in my singleness. Not one person will be satisfied in a relationship until they are satisfied in their singleness. Before my most recent relationship I was learning what it was like to be okay with being single and now I have come to realize that the second I got into that relationship I clung to it—forgetting to embrace my singleness. I made the relationship big in my eyes, and yes in reality that does need to happen in relationships especially if they are heading towards marriage but not one person can ever get so invested in another person until after your wedding vows are literally exchanged. That is when you lay down your life and serve that person through the love of Jesus. For me to expect another person to be "it" for me, is to put that person before Jesus and God instead of putting them in their rightful place—second. I am now actively practicing putting guys in second place to God. See, as my mom likes to put it I am "boy crazy". I can't help it, I am attracted to guys. I have crushes. I "ogle" men (ogle like google, MarthaJoy?). There is one guy (who will remain nameless and details will from where I know him will not be said because it's not needed) who just recently entered my life who I have the biggest crush on (I have for a really long time, actually but it was one of those "from a distance" kind of things because he had no idea I existed). We are involved in some Ministry-Jesus-Stuff together. I have been making the active and conscious decision that when I go to this Ministry stuff to be checking my heart at the door. Praying to the Lord "Make my heart right. That I am here for You and not for a boy." Because as cool as it would be to date this guy (because he totally loves Jesus) first of all I want God's will to be done in my life. I want to do His work and put Him first in my life. And every time I pray to God to make my heart right and aimed at Him going into that ministry stuff with this guy is so much better because I know my motives to be there are for the Lord and I am not focusing my life on a man.

That is what it takes. An active and conscious decision and satisfaction that the Lord is better and greater than any worldly relationship. Not to belittle those relationships or to make them seem worthless but when we become so caught up in those relationships we forget who our Number One should be—and that is God through His son who died for us, Jesus.

Something Sweet is Born

So I was not super excited about MarthaJoy and Nora's leaving this summer, untill I took iniciative and got super involved at my church. So here's the story. I really want to get to know people my age. I didn't really go to school right out of highschool so I never got to be part of the college-social-scene. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so all in all I have had a lack of people my own age. Just over a week ago a guy from my church called me up and said a bunch of people were going over to the Ministry House (affiliated with my church, City Hill) to hang out. I am not one to go to something like that by myself, however I was aquainted with a lot of the people who were going to be there so I though, "hey, why not? What's stopping me?" I stepped out of my comfort zone and hey, I actually made some new friends. And they are the type of people that love Jesus enough to make right choices (well, not all the time. No one's perfect!) Either way, I have had it on my heart to get something going at my church aimed at young people. 20-somethings, if you will. See we have a ministry for college students affiliated with the church, but what about the kids that don't go to college, or stick around the Twin Cities for school? What do they have to feed their spiritual hunger after they ditch youth group? So out of that hunger a new Young Adults Ministry at City Hill Fellowship is being birthed. I am way excited about it. God has a heart to do this at my church and He has instilled that desire within a few key players and now the ball is rolling.

This summer is pretty much going to be the sweetest. I'll be doing worship every other weekend, Young Adults stuff, Mountain Biking, ahh. It is the greatest. God is good.

My First Ride!

So I went for my first bike ride of the season tonight. I mean I guess it's not really my first since I rode a bit in the winter--but I didn't ride much and it sure felt like my first ride. I went 9 miles. Not very long, but definatly long enough being that my mono isn't totally out of my system yet (I'd say I am sitting at a 96%). I took my track bike out to Victoria and met my friend Kevin for dinner at School of the Wise (aka glorious food. Holy crap it was so good).

I also found out today that Penn Cycle will be putting on their Buck Hill MTB races this year. I am excited because I wanted to try those out last year. And, I have my first Mountain Bike Patrol on Sunday April 29th at the Iron Man Bicycle Ride. So I am just a busy kind of girl. It feels good to be getting back into the swing of things. The month of March was a kind of a dud. I had made some indefinate plans on some of the weekends that ended up not happening for circumstances that don't matter now... either way I had a lot of time to do stuff but nothing to fill that time with in March. Finally now in April my life is getting back to how it was around November or December of 2006. It's nice to fill my time--and finally I am not filling it out of lonliness but because I desire to do the things I am doing. You are only young once, and God wants to do things without life, and to impact His kingdom in our singleness--so I've decided to embrace it.

A Wednesday

Yesterday was a ridiculously sucessfuly day. This may seem petty to you who are reading this, however I think it's worth writting about.

actually, I'm just bored and passing time at work. It's probably not worth your reading efforts.

I took a 27 minute lunch break yesterday. And in those 27 minutes I proceeded to go to the mall, try on 2 pairs of jeans and a shirt, then bought one of those two pairs of jeans and the shirt, went to startbucks where I ordered an Iced Grande Tripple Mocha (for Thom in Accounting, haha) and a Tall 2 pump no-water Chai and drove back to the office. 27 minutes. That is pretty fast if you ask me. I pride myself in that kindof speed.

So I still havn't heard from the new job yet. I am going to call them today and put a little bug in their ear. It's busy in the cycling world right now so I don't expect to be first priority at said company. I am however ready—really, really ready to get out of my current job.

As some of you may know I am a worship leader at my local church. Here is the catch tho; I'm not an official leader. I was in the "try out" stage where the pastors and elders of the church watch me and decide if I have what it takes to be an official worship leader. That stage, the watching stage is supposed to last 4 months, at least for me. Stu, the worship and community life pastor at my church called me yesterday and sat my down in his office after I was done working. He went to his white board and said to me "if you could have your ideal worship team, who would make it up?" So I told him. He then told me, "You and Judah will be leading worship full time for the summer. You will be leading every other weekend. You've been given the go-ahead to be a full time wordhip leader in the church." Uhm, sweet? It hasn't been 4 months. It's only been like 1.5 or 2 months. I am really, really excited. But even more than that it is just really good. That good feeling of spending months at the feet of Jesus becoming who you are supposed to be, and then stepping into your destiny. It's just really good.

I applied to school yesterday. We'll see how that goes down..... lots of waiting to hear back from sent out applications in my life right now.

see, yesterday was a sucess. PLUS! I did my laundry.

go listen to this.

really, really good.

love; noun, verb—defined?

I've always had a hard time trying to define the type of love I hope to experiance in this life. People always have a list. "Oh, he ride's a bike. And he likes me. And he loves Jesus...." and this and that. Love is more than that. Love is the willingness to give our lives away for another. Love in serving another—laying your life down for another.

love noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L. –verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with. –verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

Look at how our society defines love. It is ridiculous. Love is sex? Love is really liking someone? Passionate affection for another? What weak ways of defining what love should be. And no wonder the divorce rate is so high in the United State; when we are defining love as we are people don't understand the concept that love is giving yourself—all of you—to another. When that fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomache goes away, when it gets really, really hard, when the tux and the dress and the food and the brides maides are gone and all that is left is your heart that heart better be saying "forever I will lay my life down for you".

That is love.

I like the idea of blogging multiple times a day. See, here at my job I have a lot of time to think, listen to sermons, pray, write, etc., as I do my other tasks so my blog is very accesable. I want to transform it not only into me venting, ranting and raving like a relational lunatic, but into something that is helpful to everyone that reads it.

Christianese

Christianese is the language spoken by Christians. It makes no sense to anyone unfamiliar with biblical texts, but earns you major points in the eyes of other Christians, because it means your words are hella holy. (taken from UrbanDictionary.com)

I've been thinking for a while now, why do we use fancy words that un-believers don't get? Even saying un-believers makes the "christianese" light go off in my head. If part of the call on a fallower of Christ is to reach those who don't know Him why do we use termonology that no one will get? When did that become a standard? For those who are reading this that love to use termonology that would just plain confuse the non-church-goer please feel no offense—I am just playing devils advocate; for I myself use terms that some people wouldn't get. Sometimes those christian terms make me think a person is trying to be "hella holy" and that in and of itself is selfrightousness. This thought did however get me thinking of another example. I mountain bike. I love it. I say things like "rockin' the single speed" or "singletrack", etc. The sport of mountain biking is in fact exclusive to those who do it. The terms used are understood by those who do it, and they arn't wrong terms. I ride a single speed so of course I rock it. And I ride on singletrack—that's just what it's called. So here's my point. Chrisitain termonology—bad? Not entierly. It's totally lame if you say it with the wrong intentions (aka, do you want to sound super sweet when you say your little, pointless terms?) or are you saying them with a right heart?

I charge you who read this today, if you love Jesus and call God your Father check your heart. Is your use of christainese termonology for the benefit of the congregation, and is your heart set on the Father as you say such things, or are you stuck in your christian bubble where everyone says the hot term because it's what the cool jesus lover kids do?

One of the greater sermons I have heard on dating and relationships was found here. Pastor Aaron Stern of New Life Church spoke on dating for a while. Go to The Mill's (their young adults group) section of the web page for podcasts of the sermons. I love Mark Driscoll however I don't know if his interpretation of the bible is always as accurate as it should be. He's just a bit too conservative. Not that God doesn't want us to live holy and devoted life's for Him—because He does; however there God doesn't live in a box. This sermon gives some really good guidelines that are much more practicle than any other sermon I've heard.

Plus—it's freaking funny.

Back to the Everyday Grind

I am tired. Like, really tired. The alarm went off at 6:10am... however my clock is 15 minutes fast so it was really 5:55am. I turned the alarm off. The second alarm went off at 6:30... slash 6:15. I turned that one off. I rolled out of bed at what the clock said was 6:45.

aka, 6:30.

Boo. Back to the full time job. Back to the normal everyday life I lead. No more sleeping in untill 10 am. No more laying on the couch for ten days straight. I like to think that I am at a 94% rate of well-being. The mono isn't completely gone. I am still tired a lot. I can sometimes feel my heart working really hard. It's strange. I might take a nap on my lunch break.

I hope I find out about that new job I applied for soon. That would be sweet action.

I love Jesus. I love my friends. I love my family (rocky included). I love singing. I love trying to sing in the shower only to realize that the moisture and echo makes it hard to stay in key. I love comfort food. I love the sound a vaccume makes when it sucks up small pebbles. I love rocking out in my car while wearing aviators. I love driving on country roads. I love blue grass. I love listening to death cab for cutie with the windows rolled down. I love the presence of God. I love sleeping with the window open a crack--just enough so you can smell the cool fresh air in the winter time but you are still warm because you have 700 blankets piled on top of you. I love being able to go to a party and not get drunk. I love desiring what is holy and ordained by God. I love being real with people. I love having deep conversations about things that matter. I love bikes. I love white industry freewheels that are too expensive and make an awesome clicking noise when you coast. I love mountain biking. I love my single speed. I love that if I ask, God will provide me with a husband who mountain bikes. I love that He has given me a heart to not care, tho. I love that God is giving me a heart for children (because if you know me, you know I hate kids). I love the smell of Chapstick Brand Chapstick (with the black label) because it smells like my dad. I love my dad. I love my mom. Ah, I love a lot.

Sometimes you need to remember what you love, as to not take it for granted.

I Think the Time Has Come.

For the past few months things have been shifting in my life. Shifts are good. They are a sign of our evolution as a people. See, a little under a year ago I started a job here at the Minneapolis Area Association of REALTORS® and was perfectly fine with it. I enjoyed my job and was eager to learn new things here. I got hired as a receptionist because what I really wanted to do was be able to pay the bills and do something linear (i.e., take phone calls, make copies, sort mail—those sorts of things). I was also at the time learning what it is to be okay with just soaking up all that God has for me. So having this job and not being in a leadership position at City Hill Fellowship fit. I was okay with just—being.

In my spiritual life I was slowly being moved into a leadership position. After a period of 8 or so months I was finally ready to start stepping into my destiny—being first and foremost a worshipper of the living God and also learning what it is to become a worship leader for a church congregation. Things started to shift. Over the course of 8 or 9 months of working at the association I started doing work for the Marketing & Communications department. I found out what I want to do with my life in terms of a career and suddenly MARCOM was talking about a possible position in their deptarment, full time. I was ridiculously excited because I desired to move up in the company. It felt like another shift in my life. One friday my boss, the two MARCOM folks and the president and CEO of the company decided to have some closed door chats about me and my moving to MARCOM.

I got the shaft.

They encouraged me to go back to school (which I don't think is wrong in the least) however pretty much said "you don't have a degree in Marketing so you can't work in that department." I was heart broken. My heart was set on that promotion. I wanted so badly to be doing what I loved to do—working in MARCOM and I was pretty much told that unless I go to school I won't ever be put into that department. The shift I thought was going to happen didn't. And I suddenly wanted to be out of this place. The lack of promotion has in fact fueled me to want to go back to school to get a Graphic Design degree with an emphasis on Pagelayout and Typography and plans are to do that in the fall. But everyday more and more I feel like I am getting pulled into other departments that I don't want to be in here. I am getting stuck doing what I don't want to do. Sometimes it even feels like punishment. I don't want to be stuck here.

Today I am feeling lead by the spirit to start looking for a new job. I know exactly where I want to work, I know they are hiring and I feel like the time has come to start that process. Tonight when I get home I will fill out the application, send that with my resume to said job and... wait. I am feeling really led by God in this decision, and I have already talked to my parents about it and they agree that it might be time to move on.

I think the time has come.

The Adventure, Part Dos

So I am officially home from Colorado and back at work. For the remainder of this week I will be doing half days and next week I will be officially back full time. The mono seems to be leaving my body. I am not dead tired like I used to be, my right side doesn't hurt nearly as much (because of my infecious liver) and I have some sort of stamina.

What a great trip. I couldn't have asked for better travel buddies! MarthaJoy and Nora are rockstars! Now... you can't start a trip without starbucks. It is essential. So we went to starbucks and of course then went camera happy.

The first leg of the trip was sooo much fun. We went to Sonic (because Nora has an undying obsession with the Sonic Burger) and to the Kum and Go station where I bough lighters. We drove from 6:00am to 8:30pm. The drive was long but when you have two amazing people with you it seems quick.
We stayed in Parker, CO at my Aunt and Uncles house. They were gone on a cruise for the majority of the time so we had a cute little house all to ourselves. Parker is a suburb of Denver so we were pretty close to civilization, but far enough out the see some of the cooler stuff in the state. Every morning we would venture onto Mainstreet in Parker and get coffee at this little hole in the wall coffee shop. There is also a Lemstone Christian Bookstore that we went to where I bought an amazingly true bumper sticker for angelina (the name of my car, if you didn't know already...) Here are some photos for you...

After we sat at the coffee shop and decided what to do with the rest of our day we went to Castlerock Canyon Statepark. Uhm.... rock. That's what i've got to say about that one. Such a cool place to be. After we found our spot on the rocks there we sat for what seemed like hours and just talked. Serious talk, funny talk... we covered it all. It was amazing. I feel like the whole trip was a time to really dig in deep into eachothers lives and get to the nitty gritty. We laughed, and laughed so hard we cried (you will see photographic evidance of that later) and just lived. It was the best time—a God time—for us. It was the best way to send Nora off on her DTS for YWAM.
We then ventured into Denver for dinner at Chubby's. My buddy Jeff whom I went to highschool with moved out to Denver a while back so he came to dinner with us and took us to the 16th street mall which is like Nicollet Mall but uhm, yea... way sweeter. I saw a dude on a track bike and I wanted to steal it. We also went to REI in downtown and it was like dying and going to heaven because it had a starbucks in it! Two of the greatest things in life found in one location. Three thumbs up to that one...

Day two we went into Colorado Springs. We were there literally all day long. We went to church at New Life (who put on an amazing, spirit-filled service), went into lodo (lower-downtown) and sat in the park, went to Garden of the God's, ate dinner at Applebee's, took photos in a parking lot, then we split ways and I went to my cousin Jareds band's show at The Black Sheep and Nora and MarthaJoy took my car and ventured to... guess where... starbucks.


Here are some photos of the band...
We got home in the middle of the night and decided to take a steam (my aunt and uncle have a steam shower thingy....) As the three of is sat in there steaming, Nora said it was "like eating eucalyptus!" Then she pretended to eat the steam. It was funny. That last night before we took Nora to Arvada for her DTS we all slept in the tiniest best, laughed really hard, loved, and were real with eachother. It was like finding yourself. I think I found a bit more of myself on this trip—who I am made to be for Jesus—how the enemy will try his hardest to keep me from fulfilling my destiny in God—how I don't need a man to be whole—how to be a worshipper—that I am a force to be reckoned with. God taught me a lot, and broke me even more on this trip. He gave me a desperate desire to be holy and pure and refined for Him.

When we were in Costa Rica on the last night we went down to the cabana and toasted, with virgin margarittas in hand "to margaritta's and great fajitta's." We did that on this last trip. We toasted to adventure. To life. To Nora. To friends. To Jesus.

Then we sent nora off.....

Then drove 100 mph toward home! (where i got a warning in Iowa...hehehehe.)

It was by far the best adventure I have been on.