death cab for cutie: it makes me emo

My cd player on my computer at work isn't working, so I am using IMEEM to listen to tunes. A friend of mine whom I go to church with turned me onto IMEEM. So I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I love them, but I mean seriously all their music is about love. The kind of love you long to have in your life; the kind you find in fairy tales.

But here's the thing... I don't need a fairy tale. Fairy tales aren't real. I want a man who just loves me and will be there for me when the fairy tale goes bad. I don't need a man, and God is continually teaching me to look to Him [God] for my needs; however I know that He has instilled in me the desire for a man to spend the rest of my life with for His [God's] purpose.

So, here I sit.

Emo.

Listening to music that is bitter, broken and about love between a man and a woman, and it makes me think of the fairy tale I once had for such a short time. But then, as they always do, it went bad.

God can work even in this.

rip angelina

Angelina, the name of my car (named after Angelina Jolie) got sandwiched between 2 cars today on highway 62 west bound.

RIP Angelina, you were good to me for almost a year. We'll see if you can be revived once the insurance agent takes a nice, long look under your hood.

knowledge of the heart

It's been a while since I've posted, hasn't it? I've been busy.

Okay okay maybe not, I just havn't had much to blog about. I'm trying to keep this blog "about" something, and I havn't had much to report in the department of christian theology, or worship. I'm just living life. There is a lot on my plate at the moment about what I will be doing and where I will be living within the next few months but nothing is official so I don't want to make a big fuss about it only to backout at the last second. let's just say the engines are churning and something sweet is being cooked up.

I am officially over my crush. It's a good feeling, actually. Now I can totally focus on Jesus without having a guy get in the way. And sometimes as unfortunate as it is dorky, no-big-deal crushes on guys after a breakup help the mending process. I wish that Jesus could be enough of a help to that process, but at times I avert my attention to another guy so I don't think about the ex so much, avert but don't act. But now, I don't think about the ex much nor do I even care about mr. crush-boaz-jesus lover. It's good. I'm happy in my singleness. It's the right place for me. I have so much I am going to do while I am single that God couldn't do if I was married.

I am learning that life is about the journey, not the destination. Cliche', right? Well no matter how cheesey and cliche' it sounds—it's truth. I am so tunnel visioned. I get so focused on the outcome of something, and getting to that outcome that I miss what it takes to get there. I now have the head knowledge drilled into me; it's good to have goals but we can't forget the now. So now I am learning to make it a reality not just a theory that I know in my head. And even more, I need it to turn even more into knowledge of the heart.

the day to day

I am finding the joy in the little things. Emails from friends, rocking out to music in my car. Playing the piano. Breathing the springtime air when I open the side door at work to put the mail outside, my dog. God can be found in all these things. He gives us these things because He loves us. It says in the bible that every good and perfect gift comes from His hand (James 1:17), and these things that I am learning to enjoy—those small things, I am loving and thanking Him for. I am especially thankful for all the new friendship I have encountered as of late. I am reaching out to people who I don't know but have always wanted to know and it is great. God is doing a good work in me through that.

I am preparing to play a worship set at the truebridge pastors conference in two days. Not only that but I am kicking the conference off. I am trying to not make it a big deal in my head but in my heart it feels like a lot of weight to be put on my shoulders. I sometimes doubt my abilities as a worship leader. Things have been off lately however today I found myself asking God to give me a life of worship, quite literally. I would rather just live from day to day on what God gives to me, travel around the world and minister to hurt and broken people through worship. I would rather do that for the rest of my life than go back to school. Although school is good, sometimes it doesn't feel like it has much eternal value. However me saying that will only put God in a box. I want to only desire to do what He wants me to do.

Still working on the crush thing. There is a man, who is a Boaz. But I am fixing my eyes on Jesus and you know what? It's working. It doesn't mean that I don't have that crush still, because I do, however I am not sold out to it and I still continually check my heart on it. I am not going to be the pursuer. If this guy is someone worth being my someone then in God's timing he will pursue me and until then, if then rather, I am learning that Jesus is more than enough.

choosing Number One

I have found a new joy in sitting at coffee shops for an extended period of time by myself. I got an IPOD Shuffle for Christmas and I hadn't been getting much use out of it because I wanted it for riding purposes. However I put a bunch of really good worship music on it, and lately I have been sitting at Starbucks, Dunn Brothers or School of the Wise and rocking out while reading a good book or the bible.

I have also been reading my bible every night before I go to bed—only missing one night since I started doing that. Keep in mind I am not the most motivated of people so for me to be committed enough every night to set aside some time to read the bible is a major feat for me. It's always hard to decide where in the bible to start reading if you don't make it a regular part of your life so I decided that I wanted to learn more about Jesus so Matthew seemed like a good place to start. I am reading the King James Version and (watch me put my foot in my mouth now...) for once in my life I wish it wasn't the King James. I have no problem reading text in KJV however when it's dialogue that's a different story. And obviously the book of Matthew has a lot of Jesus talking so it's tough. However I like it because it allows my brain to get some much needed exercise.

I feel like I haven’t really blogged about relationships lately. Maybe a little bit here and there, but nothing in depth or hardcore. Maybe that is good because that means that I am not focusing on that in my life—and I think that is slightly true. See, God instilled in me the desire to be married however marriage is just a slave to relationship. Marriage isn't the end result because if it was then what would 2 people in love do after they get married? I have been learning this more and more everyday. I have been avoiding the relationship blogging mostly because I am not the person who wants to bad mouth my ex's. I've done that enough in this life. They all were good guys and deserve good reputations and I hope in no way to shed them in a negative light. With that said, here's some relationship blogging.... *muah* (that's for you Nora).

Jesus is my number one. I am learning to be satisfied in my singleness. Not one person will be satisfied in a relationship until they are satisfied in their singleness. Before my most recent relationship I was learning what it was like to be okay with being single and now I have come to realize that the second I got into that relationship I clung to it—forgetting to embrace my singleness. I made the relationship big in my eyes, and yes in reality that does need to happen in relationships especially if they are heading towards marriage but not one person can ever get so invested in another person until after your wedding vows are literally exchanged. That is when you lay down your life and serve that person through the love of Jesus. For me to expect another person to be "it" for me, is to put that person before Jesus and God instead of putting them in their rightful place—second. I am now actively practicing putting guys in second place to God. See, as my mom likes to put it I am "boy crazy". I can't help it, I am attracted to guys. I have crushes. I "ogle" men (ogle like google, MarthaJoy?). There is one guy (who will remain nameless and details will from where I know him will not be said because it's not needed) who just recently entered my life who I have the biggest crush on (I have for a really long time, actually but it was one of those "from a distance" kind of things because he had no idea I existed). We are involved in some Ministry-Jesus-Stuff together. I have been making the active and conscious decision that when I go to this Ministry stuff to be checking my heart at the door. Praying to the Lord "Make my heart right. That I am here for You and not for a boy." Because as cool as it would be to date this guy (because he totally loves Jesus) first of all I want God's will to be done in my life. I want to do His work and put Him first in my life. And every time I pray to God to make my heart right and aimed at Him going into that ministry stuff with this guy is so much better because I know my motives to be there are for the Lord and I am not focusing my life on a man.

That is what it takes. An active and conscious decision and satisfaction that the Lord is better and greater than any worldly relationship. Not to belittle those relationships or to make them seem worthless but when we become so caught up in those relationships we forget who our Number One should be—and that is God through His son who died for us, Jesus.

My First Ride!

So I went for my first bike ride of the season tonight. I mean I guess it's not really my first since I rode a bit in the winter--but I didn't ride much and it sure felt like my first ride. I went 9 miles. Not very long, but definatly long enough being that my mono isn't totally out of my system yet (I'd say I am sitting at a 96%). I took my track bike out to Victoria and met my friend Kevin for dinner at School of the Wise (aka glorious food. Holy crap it was so good).

I also found out today that Penn Cycle will be putting on their Buck Hill MTB races this year. I am excited because I wanted to try those out last year. And, I have my first Mountain Bike Patrol on Sunday April 29th at the Iron Man Bicycle Ride. So I am just a busy kind of girl. It feels good to be getting back into the swing of things. The month of March was a kind of a dud. I had made some indefinate plans on some of the weekends that ended up not happening for circumstances that don't matter now... either way I had a lot of time to do stuff but nothing to fill that time with in March. Finally now in April my life is getting back to how it was around November or December of 2006. It's nice to fill my time--and finally I am not filling it out of lonliness but because I desire to do the things I am doing. You are only young once, and God wants to do things without life, and to impact His kingdom in our singleness--so I've decided to embrace it.

One of the greater sermons I have heard on dating and relationships was found here. Pastor Aaron Stern of New Life Church spoke on dating for a while. Go to The Mill's (their young adults group) section of the web page for podcasts of the sermons. I love Mark Driscoll however I don't know if his interpretation of the bible is always as accurate as it should be. He's just a bit too conservative. Not that God doesn't want us to live holy and devoted life's for Him—because He does; however there God doesn't live in a box. This sermon gives some really good guidelines that are much more practicle than any other sermon I've heard.

Plus—it's freaking funny.

Jumping From One to the Next, eh?

I guess I need a new blog. I havn't really blogged since monday and it's thursday! Been too busy to I guess. Or maybe nothing has been going on.

oh that's not true LOTS have happened in the past few days.

Thursday is date day. Went on a lunch date. It was a good one. Won't go into much detail because eh, I don't really feel like it. But let me tell you this. Guys, when you take a girl out you don't have to be witty the entire time. Unless you are just trying to get in her pants—that's a different story (and a dead give-away) but if you are genuinely interested then act like you are.

Tonight I am going to hang out with Paul. I will probably sit in his room and watch him play with Adobe Illustrator, but honestly that is one of the best ways to spend a thursday night! I like Paul. He is a genuine kinda guy.

I have decided that I don't think I want to really be in a relationship right now. I feel like I have just been jumping from one to the next to the next. When I was in highschool I was single for most of it. Now that I've been out of highschool for a while I feel like all I have been in is relationships. Now is the time to embrace my singleness so why-freaking-not? Yea, I'll go on a lunch date here and there but when it comes down to it I don't want anything serious. Serious always nipps me in the butt, you know? It always comes back to haunt you. So again I go back to this stage where if I meet someone worth being serious with I might go for it—but I'll be darn careful. I am sick of mistakes. I am sick of not getting what I deserve in a serious relationship. It's time for a change. Maybe that sounds cocky or strong willed, and it may be a little bit of both but I am honest about it.

So I leave bright and early tomorrow morning for Colorado. I am soooooo excited. Nora, MarthaJoy and I will be hitting the road bright and early at 6:00 am! We are staying for free at my uncles in Parker, CO and they will be out of town so we have the house all to ourselves. We are going to do a day in the Springs and a day in Denver then drive Nora into Arvada where she will be doing a 4 Month DTS with YWAM. I am so excited for her. God is going to do some amazing things in her and with her in these next months. It's funny because I feel like my girls (MarthaJoy and Nora) always leave me to go and do these amazing things in the summer—and I mean they do—but I will be here in Minnesota doing some amazing things myself. This summer will be fun for all of us, I am just so pleased to be driving Nora out to the start of her new adventure and spending those last moments with her. She and MarthaJoy are in fact my two best friends so this should be an amazing trip. Keep a look out for a photo blog!

out.

You know that scene in V for Vendetta when Natalie Portman steps outside after being released from the prison and just let's the rain and fresh air wash over her? I felt like that today. I have been couped up for almost a week now. I have not stepped outside. Havn't really even moved from this couch. But today I went out on my porch and just breathed. It was such a good smell. I love spring.

I got a phone call from a boy last night. He sounds like he's from New York, and I kinda like it. This boy once had mono, and has called and emailed me to see how I've been doing and keeping me entertained. I don't know what the deal is, but he's a nice guy. I've known him for well over 2 years so it's not like he's anyone new. But I don't really know him. But if he's going for the relationship thing I won't be able to do that. To the best of my knowledge he doesn't love Jesus and that is the most important thing to me. And my heart definatly isn't fully healed from this past relationship. My dad and I had a good talk about relationships on thursday night. He made some valid points and we talked about what I need to do as a woman in a relationship. I have definatly grown from this past relationship that's for sure. So if I can take one good thing away from it, it would be that.

Colorado in less than a week... let's hope I am well!

Oh today is boring...

So I am still on my death bed. Or so it feels. If only this sickness would go away. I did find out however that mono is in your body up to 8 weeks before you show any signs or symptoms of it..... if only you knew what I was thinking right now... however I won't be a jerk today. Forget I said anything.

I also have strep throat. And an enlarged liver. If my throat doesn't feel any better today then I will be going back to the doctor to get pumped with steroids. Woo hoo. I wish I wasn't feeling like this because then I could ride my bike. however that wont be happening for a while. But by the time I am well the trails will maybe be semi-dried out so I can rock the mountain bike. I really want to ride the jail trail, but don't really want to go to St.Cloud. Stupid St.Cloud. I shake my fist at that freaking city. If only the jail trail wasn't so much freaking fun to ride. BOO! That's all I have to say.

I leave for colorado next week. If I am not feeling well then Nora and MarthaJoy will be doing a majority of the driving while I sleep in the back of the car. That should be fun. And by fun I mean totally lame. I hope I am well this time next week. Or well enough.

If you are bored go to www.theslowskys.com. It's really, really funny.

Out.

a computer screen, wires, and whatever else sit between you and someone else. It's like there is tens of thousands of miles between two people, yet they are right next to eachother. That is what a computer does.

I hate that feeling of being right next to someone, yet on the opposite ends of the earth. And to know that you cant say anything to them. Just stair at a blog, a screen name, an online profile. A photo. And all you could ever want is to know they are thinking the exact same thing about you. But pride gets in the way. Or the future. Or our fears.

I am a beautiful mess this month. The kindof mess where you take five minutes to wallow in the alluring disapointment that makes up most of life. But only five minutes. Then you suck it up, smile at the world around you. You move on. You live. The world should stop. It doesnt. It moves, and you move with it. You roll down your windows as you drive, blair that cd, cry as hard as you can, laugh as loud as you can and love.

you love. just love.

Swollen eyes, MRI's and Wishing I Could Fix This

I went to the doctor yesterday. She thinks I have a sinus infection. However if the swelling in my eyes doesn't go away by thursday I have to get an MRI. Kindof lame if you ask me. So she put me on some antibiotics and I have missed 2 days of work. Running a fever, sleeping way more than I have in a long time. I would say the majority of my days have been spent sleeping. I can't really drive because my perefrial vision is all messed up. It's weird.

I was telling MarthaJoy today on the phone that being sick makes you lonley. And I am already lonley as it is, so the sickness just adds to that. Sometimes you just want someone to take care of you. I am not going to pretend that I am not sad about my recent breakup because frankly, I am. I am sad, confused and hurt. So being sick just adds to all those feelings. I don't know what I could do to fix this. Maybe I can't do anything, but I wish I could.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It is now 1:19 pm. I could be doing better things today. More productive things today. In Psalms 24 (I think) David talks about finding rest while in battle. While his enemies are coming against him he still takes time to worship and praise the living God; to lay down his sword. I did that today. Well, hypothetically.

See, I feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. But instead of being all pissed off about it, instead of blaming God and becoming bitter at Him about it I praised him. Literally. I grabbed my guitar and worshipped. And I had this overwhelming experiance. God is good, he is for me, and if I call he will be faithful to answer-he will come to my rescue. To think that being a christian in this world we only get to experiance snid-bits of the presence of God; I can only imagine what heaven will be like and what worshipping and praising God in heaven will be like. I already get overwhelmed here on earth trying to understand the concept of worshipping my Father in heaven, so when I get to do that eternally for ever, man, that will be intense.

One of the harder weekends.

Let's start with friday, shall we? I was supposed to hangout with my good friend Kevin, he however was busy. So Nora and I went on an adventure.

A bicycle adventure.

Nora just started a new job at Quality Bicycle Products. It is one of the nations leading bicycle distrubutors. Either way, she doesn't own a bike. Only parts. When you work at QBP you can demo bikes. She got a Surly Cross Check to demo and I took her on her first road bike ride. We took the greenway starting at 29th and Bryant, down to Hiawath Ave. into downtown Minneapolis; Washington Ave. to Hennepin Ave. to 9th Street to LaSalle Ave. back into uptown. It was a good ride. The temperature was about 40 degrees, and the puddles of water from the day were starting to feeze over. We ran into Jay "Hollywood" Henderson on the way, and as he approached me he told me to "not slip on the ice."

I did. He always has a way of seeing me fall on my butt when I ride. It's kindof lame.

I woke up saturday morning with one swollen eye, one swollen gland, one clogged nose and a sore body. Nora came over and we made Sour Cream-raspeberry-choclate muffins from scratch. We also went to target where I sucessfully found a new pair of aviators for $5.99. I went to church on saturday feeling like complete crap. I pretty much had a metal break down. I started crying and couldn't stop for a good 45 minutes because I was so overwhelmed. I felt ill prepared to lead worship, my song list wasn't the right one, my heart hurt (emotionally, not literally), my head hurt, and I couldn't move my eyes without feeling pain. It was weird. My worship team helped my pull through. They prayed for me, we got a good set list put together and did worship. It was the hardest weekend of church worship I have ever done. I had to compart-mentalize my feelings for the greater good of the congregation. It's a tough thing to do. I then went to MarthaJoys and we ate pizza and watched Stranger than Fiction (fyi, see that movie. It's sooo good one.) I cried all the way home from her house and didn't really know why.

I tossed and turned in my sleep all night Saturday. For the past few days I had been sleeping on the couch. When I don't want to think about things I sleep in front of the TV to keep my mind from going crazy with thoughts but last night I actually slept in my bed. It was a hard night, and loosing an hour of sleep didn't make it easier.

I woke up today and my head still killed. Now both my eyes were swollen. I took some meds and went into church where we rocked our worship set. That was pretty sweet. Came home, slept from noon to 5 on the couch. Woke up and went back to church to present some graphic design ideas for GEER; City Hill Fellowship's youth group.

Came home. Now I am watching CSI. Woo hoo. Eyes still swollen, gland still swollen, head still pounding. I think I am going to call in sick to work tomorrow.

I'm going to cover some different territory here.

So, I have this friend. His name is Paul. Paul is a cool dude. He also has a cool Dad. A few weeks back Paul told me to check out his Dad's blog, so I did. And I've been reading up on his adventure here and there and thought it needed to be shared with you all.



So, not that any of you care but I am cutting my hair today. Part of me wants to chop it out of spite for the entire male-gender—but that wouldn't be fair. So I can't really decide what to do with it. I am trying really hard to not be bitter, cynical and jaded (despite my mother already telling me I am) however when shocking things happen, you are shocked—sometimes causing that bitterness and angst to come out. Maybe not right but definatly justified. I'll just rely on forgiveness because hey, it's been established that I suck a majority of the time which means so do other people so I can have a little grace for that.



Still makes me want to punch people in the face though. [repent brianna, repent.]



I am getting some new road shoes for free. Thank you, Mara.

She posted up on the MORC Forum about how she got a pair of size 37 Diaora's for free and wanted to see if anyone wanted to take them off her hands. I won. Ha. Now I will have a pair of shoes for every bike (other than my bmx because those don't require clipless pedals.) I am excited because if I get these shoes then I will most likley be able to start skidding on my track bike (something I still cant really do....) So this could be glorious. Yay for free stuff.

out.

A Series of Senseless Stumpers

Do you ever feel like you've wasted time? Like, you could be doing things differently? I am not one to have regrets but I have found some reasons to have them as of late. I don't want to waste anyone’s time. I want to make right choices the first time—not make mistakes only to find that they're just that—a mistake. I told myself I was done with that—the whole making wrong choices thing. Yet I find myself immersed in that again; but not by choice. The mistake wasn't mine. Was it really even a mistake?

Have you ever made what you know is a right choice, and other parties involved made the wrong choice and you are left out to dry? Yea, that's the wrong choice I am talking about. The one that makes you regret making that initial first right choice. It's crazy and confusing, the whole 180 degree effect. It makes you feel lost. That feeling of not being able to grasp what happened. That you can't fix it. That it ultimately has little to do with you.

In an effort to forgive I have deprived myself of brokenness. The one thing that really makes me what I am I have lost. It's a strange feeling. I am trying to find that balance, now being in a leadership position at my church. The balance of shepherding 200+ people in worship when your heart hurts. How do you put yourself aside for the greater good of what God wants to do in the congregation? How do you remain true to yourself in that? How do you let the tears flow without feeling guilty for not being stronger?

The Burn Band says it quiet well...

Have mercy.
I need Your life.
You are the source.
You are my light.

Found love beyond all reason
You gave Your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life
Found all I need
You're all I need

The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You

Today today it's all or nothing
All they way
The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing
To give You praise
In everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You

I slept well last night. And the night before. I blame it on Nora. She prayed for me over the phone on Saturday night. We also went to coffee on Sunday night. It's been a long, long weekend. But I slept well both nights. Luckily I will be deeply distracted this week with dinner with Ben on wednesday, practice tonight, having to lead worship at church this weekend, etc. It's hard to know how to shepard a whole congregation of people when your heart feels the way it does. I suppose however that the best policy is that of the Psalms—Praise the Lord no matter what.

Because even when things suck He is worthy, and He is good.

sab·o·tage (sāb'ə-täzh')
1. Treacherous action to defeat or hinder a cause or an endeavor; deliberate subversion.
(www.dictionary.com)

I feel really, really sick. I have yet again proven my own point—I am not always right. Usually, I am wrong. I suck a majority of the time. I am a disapointment. I could do better.

You reap what you sew.

But God is good even in the midst of it.

What it takes to make it

Giving up is a really easy option. However it can also be a really difficult option. In two different scenarios giving up could be the greatest thing you've done, or the worst thing. Some think that when the going gets tough its best to just keep going, to move on past and forget about that hard thing in life. That right there is the easy option. To decided to not work at something, or somethings that probably are worth your time.

But the other giving up is the giving up controll of your life, your fate and your destiny. That kind of giving up, the "holding on" to what you think is yours is essential, at least for me it was and is. To know there is something bigger than myself and giving up my life to that, that kindof giving up is the right kind.

I am struggling latley with both types of giving up. Things are hard for me right now in a few different areas in life. I want to desperatly do what is right, and sometimes its hard to see what that is. And sometimes I want to hold the keys to my own life and do what I want to do. But then I think back on the past 3 years and remind myself how well that goes over, my living for myself. (For the record, the past 3 years generally sucked.)

What does it take to make it?