The Adventure, Part Uno

So we arrived in Colorado last night around 8:30 (colorado time). The drive took us approx. 14.5 hours, and that's with stops. I thought we did a pretty good job making it out here. We stopped at multiple gas stations (can anyone say Kum & Go??), and Sonic for lunch. PS if you havn't been to a Sonic I recomend you take a road trip to Des Moines, IW and try that sucka out.) We are staying at my aunt and uncles house in Parker, CO. It's cool because its a 'burb of Denver but you can see Pike's Peak when you look out the window. There have been a lot of cool photos taken but the wireless internet in this house is being a bit touchy so I will get those photos to you once I get home.

Back to the great out doors..... Out.

Jumping From One to the Next, eh?

I guess I need a new blog. I havn't really blogged since monday and it's thursday! Been too busy to I guess. Or maybe nothing has been going on.

oh that's not true LOTS have happened in the past few days.

Thursday is date day. Went on a lunch date. It was a good one. Won't go into much detail because eh, I don't really feel like it. But let me tell you this. Guys, when you take a girl out you don't have to be witty the entire time. Unless you are just trying to get in her pants—that's a different story (and a dead give-away) but if you are genuinely interested then act like you are.

Tonight I am going to hang out with Paul. I will probably sit in his room and watch him play with Adobe Illustrator, but honestly that is one of the best ways to spend a thursday night! I like Paul. He is a genuine kinda guy.

I have decided that I don't think I want to really be in a relationship right now. I feel like I have just been jumping from one to the next to the next. When I was in highschool I was single for most of it. Now that I've been out of highschool for a while I feel like all I have been in is relationships. Now is the time to embrace my singleness so why-freaking-not? Yea, I'll go on a lunch date here and there but when it comes down to it I don't want anything serious. Serious always nipps me in the butt, you know? It always comes back to haunt you. So again I go back to this stage where if I meet someone worth being serious with I might go for it—but I'll be darn careful. I am sick of mistakes. I am sick of not getting what I deserve in a serious relationship. It's time for a change. Maybe that sounds cocky or strong willed, and it may be a little bit of both but I am honest about it.

So I leave bright and early tomorrow morning for Colorado. I am soooooo excited. Nora, MarthaJoy and I will be hitting the road bright and early at 6:00 am! We are staying for free at my uncles in Parker, CO and they will be out of town so we have the house all to ourselves. We are going to do a day in the Springs and a day in Denver then drive Nora into Arvada where she will be doing a 4 Month DTS with YWAM. I am so excited for her. God is going to do some amazing things in her and with her in these next months. It's funny because I feel like my girls (MarthaJoy and Nora) always leave me to go and do these amazing things in the summer—and I mean they do—but I will be here in Minnesota doing some amazing things myself. This summer will be fun for all of us, I am just so pleased to be driving Nora out to the start of her new adventure and spending those last moments with her. She and MarthaJoy are in fact my two best friends so this should be an amazing trip. Keep a look out for a photo blog!

out.

My Favorite Places

I layed in bed last night with the window wide open and could smell the season switch. That fresh smell over took me and I layed awake until 5:00 am and breathed in the new season. I breathed in and I thought. When there is such a switch in the season you feel like there is a switch in your life; it's time to move on, isn't it? The seasons move, the world doesn't stop and neither can we.

Today I felt better than I have in the past 2 weeks. Not 100 percent by any means but getting there. I sat outside again and breathed in that fresh air. I wore a tank top. I didn't wear socks. I wore my minnesota necklace and I smiled. My heart is in this state. It is in this city. I want to see the world but more than anything I want a place to call home. This city; Chaska, is that. I decided to take some photos of my favorite places in Chaska.



I drove around with the windows down, blasting the Tegan and Sara. Tegan and Sara makes wonderful driving music. I drove on my favorite road. A road that smells like summer, and looks like the country. It's a dirt road that makes you forget about your worries. It makes you feel alive. It makes you remember to breathe.






When I was little I always went to my grandparents house and sat by this little lake.... It is one of my favorite spots to go and think, and the dirt road leads right to it. My cousin Danielle got purposed to there. It's a majestic-type of place where beauty is brought out in anyone or anything that goes there...


I have secret places. Secret, favorite places. These photographs show these places to you. Maybe I should keep them secret, but what would be the fun in that? They mean beauty to me and I want everyone else to feel beautiful so I would rather show them. These places are inviting. They are mine. They can be yours if you want them to.

When you want to feel like you are in the smallest town in the world go sit in downtown Chaska at the gazebo. This has been by far my favorite place. I will grab a cup of coffee, wear a pea coat and scarf and sit at the gazebo. You can think there. You can rest there. You can even read there. It's hecktick with cars rolling by, but it is a place where you can think. It's a good place...

These are my favorite places.

You know that scene in V for Vendetta when Natalie Portman steps outside after being released from the prison and just let's the rain and fresh air wash over her? I felt like that today. I have been couped up for almost a week now. I have not stepped outside. Havn't really even moved from this couch. But today I went out on my porch and just breathed. It was such a good smell. I love spring.

I got a phone call from a boy last night. He sounds like he's from New York, and I kinda like it. This boy once had mono, and has called and emailed me to see how I've been doing and keeping me entertained. I don't know what the deal is, but he's a nice guy. I've known him for well over 2 years so it's not like he's anyone new. But I don't really know him. But if he's going for the relationship thing I won't be able to do that. To the best of my knowledge he doesn't love Jesus and that is the most important thing to me. And my heart definatly isn't fully healed from this past relationship. My dad and I had a good talk about relationships on thursday night. He made some valid points and we talked about what I need to do as a woman in a relationship. I have definatly grown from this past relationship that's for sure. So if I can take one good thing away from it, it would be that.

Colorado in less than a week... let's hope I am well!

Oh today is boring...

So I am still on my death bed. Or so it feels. If only this sickness would go away. I did find out however that mono is in your body up to 8 weeks before you show any signs or symptoms of it..... if only you knew what I was thinking right now... however I won't be a jerk today. Forget I said anything.

I also have strep throat. And an enlarged liver. If my throat doesn't feel any better today then I will be going back to the doctor to get pumped with steroids. Woo hoo. I wish I wasn't feeling like this because then I could ride my bike. however that wont be happening for a while. But by the time I am well the trails will maybe be semi-dried out so I can rock the mountain bike. I really want to ride the jail trail, but don't really want to go to St.Cloud. Stupid St.Cloud. I shake my fist at that freaking city. If only the jail trail wasn't so much freaking fun to ride. BOO! That's all I have to say.

I leave for colorado next week. If I am not feeling well then Nora and MarthaJoy will be doing a majority of the driving while I sleep in the back of the car. That should be fun. And by fun I mean totally lame. I hope I am well this time next week. Or well enough.

If you are bored go to www.theslowskys.com. It's really, really funny.

Out.

The IHEART Revolution

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1393753993

Check it.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

-http://twloha.com/the_story.php

a computer screen, wires, and whatever else sit between you and someone else. It's like there is tens of thousands of miles between two people, yet they are right next to eachother. That is what a computer does.

I hate that feeling of being right next to someone, yet on the opposite ends of the earth. And to know that you cant say anything to them. Just stair at a blog, a screen name, an online profile. A photo. And all you could ever want is to know they are thinking the exact same thing about you. But pride gets in the way. Or the future. Or our fears.

I am a beautiful mess this month. The kindof mess where you take five minutes to wallow in the alluring disapointment that makes up most of life. But only five minutes. Then you suck it up, smile at the world around you. You move on. You live. The world should stop. It doesnt. It moves, and you move with it. You roll down your windows as you drive, blair that cd, cry as hard as you can, laugh as loud as you can and love.

you love. just love.

another health update

so I got a CT Scan, right? Well all it said was that I have under-developed sinus. I didn't have a sinus infection however because my sinus' are smaller than the average joe any pressure up there could feel worse than it is because of the lack of space in the cavity.

I do however have mono. I am going to get fired at this rate. But if I do I can at least collect unemployment.

This month has generally sucked. So as I have said to everyone else... if we've shared chap stick, a beverave, a pillow, et al, start taking care of yourself. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest to ward off any possabilites of getting this wreched disease from me.

the instant the antibiotics get in my body I feel 500 times better.



Wow I must be off my game, I used the number 500 instead of 700. If you know me, you know that when I exagerate numbers I do it in sevens. i.e. "he was like 70 feet tall" or "She ate 700 gallons of cole slaw".



Back to the sickness... I can't swallow pills. So I have been crushing them up and throwing the crushed-ness in my mouth and drinking it down with juice. You can only do this when you aren't taking time release pills—and I'm not. However these pills when they are crushed up taste like burnt hair smells. It is quite disgusting. It would normally take me about an hour to finish one pill because they taste so gross. Today however was different.



As I sat at my desk, looming over my pill cutter/smasher I decided today would be the day when I sucked it up and took it like a man—hypothetically. I grabbed a tiny bottle of apple juice from the fridge at work, and started my daily 10:30am gross pill-swallowing-process. I sucessfully took my whole pill in a matter of minutes. The thought that got me through it was "There are dying children who don't get medication when they are sick. Who gives a crap if it taste like the smell of burnt hair. Suck it up Kocka and take it like a man."



And I did.



I am going to the big bad hospital today (in 15 minutes as a matter of fact). Getting a CT Scan of my head per doctors orders. I havn't ever gotten a CT Scan, only an MRI so this will be a new experiance. I also rented 3 movies last night so after I am done I will go home and veg on the couch for the rest of the day. Nora, MarthaJoy and I watched Eight Below last night. FYI for all my guy readers (like anyone reads this, let alone dudes...) If you want to know what it takes to be a real man—freaking watch that movie. How cares if it's a Disney flick, or that it's rated PG.... Any man that is like Paul Walker in that movie probably has what it takes to be my man.



So watch it.


Oh, and check this shizz out.... all mine. Should be in my hands come monday.





Unts.

oh one more thing...

Colorado here I freaking come.

18 days....

102.3?

Yea, that was my temperature last night. 102.3

Now it's down to a semi-normal 99.0 degrees. My head still hurts like a mo-fo, my eyes still hurt (the right one is still swollen), my stomach isn't happy nor is my mid to lower back.

damn the man! (save the empire.)

Swollen eyes, MRI's and Wishing I Could Fix This

I went to the doctor yesterday. She thinks I have a sinus infection. However if the swelling in my eyes doesn't go away by thursday I have to get an MRI. Kindof lame if you ask me. So she put me on some antibiotics and I have missed 2 days of work. Running a fever, sleeping way more than I have in a long time. I would say the majority of my days have been spent sleeping. I can't really drive because my perefrial vision is all messed up. It's weird.

I was telling MarthaJoy today on the phone that being sick makes you lonley. And I am already lonley as it is, so the sickness just adds to that. Sometimes you just want someone to take care of you. I am not going to pretend that I am not sad about my recent breakup because frankly, I am. I am sad, confused and hurt. So being sick just adds to all those feelings. I don't know what I could do to fix this. Maybe I can't do anything, but I wish I could.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It is now 1:19 pm. I could be doing better things today. More productive things today. In Psalms 24 (I think) David talks about finding rest while in battle. While his enemies are coming against him he still takes time to worship and praise the living God; to lay down his sword. I did that today. Well, hypothetically.

See, I feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. But instead of being all pissed off about it, instead of blaming God and becoming bitter at Him about it I praised him. Literally. I grabbed my guitar and worshipped. And I had this overwhelming experiance. God is good, he is for me, and if I call he will be faithful to answer-he will come to my rescue. To think that being a christian in this world we only get to experiance snid-bits of the presence of God; I can only imagine what heaven will be like and what worshipping and praising God in heaven will be like. I already get overwhelmed here on earth trying to understand the concept of worshipping my Father in heaven, so when I get to do that eternally for ever, man, that will be intense.

One of the harder weekends.

Let's start with friday, shall we? I was supposed to hangout with my good friend Kevin, he however was busy. So Nora and I went on an adventure.

A bicycle adventure.

Nora just started a new job at Quality Bicycle Products. It is one of the nations leading bicycle distrubutors. Either way, she doesn't own a bike. Only parts. When you work at QBP you can demo bikes. She got a Surly Cross Check to demo and I took her on her first road bike ride. We took the greenway starting at 29th and Bryant, down to Hiawath Ave. into downtown Minneapolis; Washington Ave. to Hennepin Ave. to 9th Street to LaSalle Ave. back into uptown. It was a good ride. The temperature was about 40 degrees, and the puddles of water from the day were starting to feeze over. We ran into Jay "Hollywood" Henderson on the way, and as he approached me he told me to "not slip on the ice."

I did. He always has a way of seeing me fall on my butt when I ride. It's kindof lame.

I woke up saturday morning with one swollen eye, one swollen gland, one clogged nose and a sore body. Nora came over and we made Sour Cream-raspeberry-choclate muffins from scratch. We also went to target where I sucessfully found a new pair of aviators for $5.99. I went to church on saturday feeling like complete crap. I pretty much had a metal break down. I started crying and couldn't stop for a good 45 minutes because I was so overwhelmed. I felt ill prepared to lead worship, my song list wasn't the right one, my heart hurt (emotionally, not literally), my head hurt, and I couldn't move my eyes without feeling pain. It was weird. My worship team helped my pull through. They prayed for me, we got a good set list put together and did worship. It was the hardest weekend of church worship I have ever done. I had to compart-mentalize my feelings for the greater good of the congregation. It's a tough thing to do. I then went to MarthaJoys and we ate pizza and watched Stranger than Fiction (fyi, see that movie. It's sooo good one.) I cried all the way home from her house and didn't really know why.

I tossed and turned in my sleep all night Saturday. For the past few days I had been sleeping on the couch. When I don't want to think about things I sleep in front of the TV to keep my mind from going crazy with thoughts but last night I actually slept in my bed. It was a hard night, and loosing an hour of sleep didn't make it easier.

I woke up today and my head still killed. Now both my eyes were swollen. I took some meds and went into church where we rocked our worship set. That was pretty sweet. Came home, slept from noon to 5 on the couch. Woke up and went back to church to present some graphic design ideas for GEER; City Hill Fellowship's youth group.

Came home. Now I am watching CSI. Woo hoo. Eyes still swollen, gland still swollen, head still pounding. I think I am going to call in sick to work tomorrow.

Ty-pog-ra-phy

The art of type design, modefying type glyphs and arranging type.

I have found my calling.

So I sat down with my parents last night to talk about what I am going to do with the next few years of my life. Actually, I sat my parents down and told them what I am doing. It's has been a toss up between worship school and tech school. My mother says "Why can't you do both?"

She makes a very valid point.

I will be applying to a tech school (dunwoody, hennepin tech maybe...) for their graphic design program. I want to specialize in page layout and typography. I really considered the worship school thing again, but I feel like the only time I want to go to worship school is when I want to run away from this state—or things that have happened in this state—or people who live in this state—and that's not usually a good thing. So I will go to tech school. And I will take guitar lessons. I will learn music theory. I will be raised up as a worship leader in Minnesota. I won't be leaving anytime soon.

I'm okay with that.

ROCK OUT?

oh, and go look at this link and look at pages 8,9 and 15. Those maps got published today in print (they look better in print.) I made them. the RREAR is here, and it's a good one. (maybe not exciting for you but when you spend a 12 hour day making 3 really intense real estate related maps that are unlike anything the association you work for has done, well—it's kindof a big deal.)

I'm going to cover some different territory here.

So, I have this friend. His name is Paul. Paul is a cool dude. He also has a cool Dad. A few weeks back Paul told me to check out his Dad's blog, so I did. And I've been reading up on his adventure here and there and thought it needed to be shared with you all.



So, not that any of you care but I am cutting my hair today. Part of me wants to chop it out of spite for the entire male-gender—but that wouldn't be fair. So I can't really decide what to do with it. I am trying really hard to not be bitter, cynical and jaded (despite my mother already telling me I am) however when shocking things happen, you are shocked—sometimes causing that bitterness and angst to come out. Maybe not right but definatly justified. I'll just rely on forgiveness because hey, it's been established that I suck a majority of the time which means so do other people so I can have a little grace for that.



Still makes me want to punch people in the face though. [repent brianna, repent.]



I am getting some new road shoes for free. Thank you, Mara.

She posted up on the MORC Forum about how she got a pair of size 37 Diaora's for free and wanted to see if anyone wanted to take them off her hands. I won. Ha. Now I will have a pair of shoes for every bike (other than my bmx because those don't require clipless pedals.) I am excited because if I get these shoes then I will most likley be able to start skidding on my track bike (something I still cant really do....) So this could be glorious. Yay for free stuff.

out.

1, 2, 3...

Wow I am such a blogger. Who really blogs everyday? Well let me tell you—I do.

I have a few things to report.

1. My mom said she was going to buy me a brick with the "Suck" on it. For the past few days I have been saying "I am going to get a brick, write the word suck on it and chuck it through someones window." So I'm excited for my Mom to embrace the "Chop" buy purchasing me a brick and artisticly writting the word suck on it. Way to go Mom, way to go.
2. I asked my boss for 3 days off at the end of this month to venture to Colorado to drop Nora off at her DTS. She didn't only give me the okay, but she said "my thoughts on this would be for you to enjoy your time off." I guess you have to read the email to understand, but she doesn't offten say stuff like that. So I am excited. Now I just need to call my uncle and see if we can crash at his house for 2 nights.
3. I am in the debating process of what schooling I want to go back for. The choices are worship school to learn music theory, christian music theology, etc. or stick around this part of the world and go to Hennepin Tech for Graphic Design with an emphesis in page layout and publishing. I want to do both of these things but I can't figure out which one should come first.

So that's the story.

A Series of Senseless Stumpers

Do you ever feel like you've wasted time? Like, you could be doing things differently? I am not one to have regrets but I have found some reasons to have them as of late. I don't want to waste anyone’s time. I want to make right choices the first time—not make mistakes only to find that they're just that—a mistake. I told myself I was done with that—the whole making wrong choices thing. Yet I find myself immersed in that again; but not by choice. The mistake wasn't mine. Was it really even a mistake?

Have you ever made what you know is a right choice, and other parties involved made the wrong choice and you are left out to dry? Yea, that's the wrong choice I am talking about. The one that makes you regret making that initial first right choice. It's crazy and confusing, the whole 180 degree effect. It makes you feel lost. That feeling of not being able to grasp what happened. That you can't fix it. That it ultimately has little to do with you.

In an effort to forgive I have deprived myself of brokenness. The one thing that really makes me what I am I have lost. It's a strange feeling. I am trying to find that balance, now being in a leadership position at my church. The balance of shepherding 200+ people in worship when your heart hurts. How do you put yourself aside for the greater good of what God wants to do in the congregation? How do you remain true to yourself in that? How do you let the tears flow without feeling guilty for not being stronger?

The Burn Band says it quiet well...

Have mercy.
I need Your life.
You are the source.
You are my light.

Found love beyond all reason
You gave Your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life
Found all I need
You're all I need

The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You

Today today it's all or nothing
All they way
The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing
To give You praise
In everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You

I slept well last night. And the night before. I blame it on Nora. She prayed for me over the phone on Saturday night. We also went to coffee on Sunday night. It's been a long, long weekend. But I slept well both nights. Luckily I will be deeply distracted this week with dinner with Ben on wednesday, practice tonight, having to lead worship at church this weekend, etc. It's hard to know how to shepard a whole congregation of people when your heart feels the way it does. I suppose however that the best policy is that of the Psalms—Praise the Lord no matter what.

Because even when things suck He is worthy, and He is good.

sab·o·tage (sāb'ə-täzh')
1. Treacherous action to defeat or hinder a cause or an endeavor; deliberate subversion.
(www.dictionary.com)

I feel really, really sick. I have yet again proven my own point—I am not always right. Usually, I am wrong. I suck a majority of the time. I am a disapointment. I could do better.

You reap what you sew.

But God is good even in the midst of it.