my momma and me

I would like you all to meet my mother... shelly. (she's the one on the end in the back.) My mom works at a bank. She does exactly what I do all day long—answers phones. However she is actually good at her job (unlike myself.) She and I email back and forth from time to time. Sometime we will talk on the phone while we are at work because we both answer phones all day long so no one can really catch us "slacking" and talking to eachother.

I like her.

She is like the ideal mother. And even more than that, she is becoming one of my best friends. It's really cool. I didn't realize what a blessing she was untill recently. I can tell her anything (quite literally) without worrying about being a disapointment or being judged. She and I are alike in many ways, but different enough that we don't get sick of eachother. She is my hero. She is the type of woman I aspire to be. She is Godly, in love, happy, honest, funny, real, and not only do I love her—I like her. That is important. Any old sap can love someone, but to like someone is totally different.

I don't know what spurred on this blog. Maybe it's because my mom talked me through a few tough situations within the past few days. Maybe I am just realizing what a blessing she is to me. But either way, she is good. I like her.

And you should too.

Ride that Sky Kids

Red Bull's Ride the Sky event took place last night in St.Paul's skyway system. A group of 50 riders (invite only, mind you) rocked their way through the skyway on a downhill course over wooden berms, one huge jump box, a 20-stair gap and a multitude of tight twists and turns in this time trial event. Each rider got 2 runs on the course—the race starting at 7:15 and ending around 10:15pm. This was such a cool event. Some photos to highlight the nights events... (nothing in comparison to what Scott Harldson's will most likley look like...)


























To see more click here.

http://www.wcco.com/video/?id=24591@wcco.dayport.com
http://www.wcco.com/video/?id=24608@wcco.dayport.com

This is the Weekend I Might Pee my Pants in Front of 200+ People... Wish me Luck?

The Twin Cities will be getting between 11 and 16 inches of snow within the next 48 hours. That's a lot of snow. I like the idea of getting that much snow because it's beautiful—the fresh snow look. But it sucks driving in weather like that. I don't understand how this happens but Minnesotains somehow forget how to drive in snowy weather conditions every year. It makes no sense to me. All you have to do is drive a little slower and not tailgate the person in front of you. Yet there are always mass accidents. You'd think people would learn...

I'm excited for this weekend. It is my first weekend at my church leading a whole 35+ minute set of music by myself. I have done a song or two while playing with my team but have never had the chance to play an entire set. It's a big step. Almost like stepping into my destiny. I feel really good about the songs I picked out. Set list is as fallows:

1. Holy Moment by Matt Redman
2. You are God by Me
3. Your Voice is by Vicky Beeching
4. Rend the Heavens by Isa Couvertier
5. Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
6. Worthy is the Lamb by Darlene Zschech

Hope that doesn't spoil worship for this weekend for anyone. And who knows, maybe I will decide last minute to not play those songs.

I started reading the book I wanted to last night. Refer back if you wish to know more...

This weekend is going to be great. Get to see that one person... saweet.

Food...

Everyone knows I am addicted to Starbucks. Everyone. If you don't know that about me well then—do you really even know me? My friend Nora works at Starbucks and told me that they got a new bakery item. That being a cupcake. I love cupcakes. I don't really know why, other than the fact that they are delicious, right? So yesterday I decided I was going to go to Starbucks and get a cupcake to try with an Ice Grande Chai.


Looks delicious, right? Well let me tell you something—it totally sucked. It was the worst cupcake I have had in my life I think. Super dry, the frosting tasted like wax. Was it chocolate? Because it tasted like poop. I was so disapointed. However my Ice Grande Chai was tasty as ever. I was reading the Mpls St.Paul Magazine 2007 Readers' Faves in regurads to resturants, or any place to get food or drink. I came to the coffee section only to find that Caribou Coffee, the minnesota native coffee company came in first to Starbucks. Who would have thought that Minnesotains could be so dull? Well I mean I guess they are, them liking Caribou over Starbucks goes to show a) where their loyalties lie (ie, this stupid state) and b) Minnesotains like piss coffee. You know, coffee with no taste. Coffee that should be served at perkins because it is so watered down. In my not–so–humble opinion Caribou Coffee is gross, watered down and just—weak. Starbucks has at least something bold to offer me.


As I continued to read about the Readers' Faves I came across the top 5 places to get Breakfast in the cities. This is helpful to me because living in the burbs I feel like the only place to eat breakfast is Perkins or Embers. Here's the list...

1. Keys Cafe
2. Hell's Kitchen
3. Al's Breakfast
4. Perkins (seriously?)
5. The Origional Pancake House & Zumbro Cafe (tied for 5th)

Sad to see Perkins made it on the list, but I mean their pancakes are pretty darn good.

What it takes to make it

Giving up is a really easy option. However it can also be a really difficult option. In two different scenarios giving up could be the greatest thing you've done, or the worst thing. Some think that when the going gets tough its best to just keep going, to move on past and forget about that hard thing in life. That right there is the easy option. To decided to not work at something, or somethings that probably are worth your time.

But the other giving up is the giving up controll of your life, your fate and your destiny. That kind of giving up, the "holding on" to what you think is yours is essential, at least for me it was and is. To know there is something bigger than myself and giving up my life to that, that kindof giving up is the right kind.

I am struggling latley with both types of giving up. Things are hard for me right now in a few different areas in life. I want to desperatly do what is right, and sometimes its hard to see what that is. And sometimes I want to hold the keys to my own life and do what I want to do. But then I think back on the past 3 years and remind myself how well that goes over, my living for myself. (For the record, the past 3 years generally sucked.)

What does it take to make it?

Satisfaction and Yearning

Its funny how the ups and downs in life make you feel like a really happy moment in your life is the happiest you have ever been. Is there ever a "happiest moment" though? When I think back on past memories, of happiness, friends, and family I sometimes wish I was still in those moments in time; wishing they could freeze and I would be stuck in that snap-shot memory. However then I come to my senses and realize how much of life now I love. Was I happy in my past? Yes. Am I happier now? Yes. Is that how life will work? Can I get happier than I am now? Is there more joy than the joy I am experiencing in life today? I won’t believe that I have reached the peak of life’s joys. It's that odd sense of satisfaction and yearning. I am satisfied with life today, I couldn't be more content but I won’t settle for just this—there must be more than this.

My worship Pastor Stu called me on Tuesday. I am on a worship team at my church but I haven’t really been the go-to leader of the team. Judah, the team leader is getting married in a few weeks and took 4 months off of leading after that. Stu asked me to take over the team. These first four months will be the preliminary "try out" time. He trusts my judgment but can't completely hand a whole group of musicians over to me just yet. So the pastors of my church will be watching me and my leadership style over these next few months to asses my ability to lead a congregation of 200+ families in worship at church. It's pretty intense. I could be scared, and I know there will be many tests over these next months but I am ready to step up to the plate on this one. This is what I was made for.

The Day of Commercialized Love

Stupid made up holidays.

I decided to humor my office today by wearing something festive—aka, a red dress. I am never going to hear the end of it. But you know what else? I won't lie, I am a hopeless romantic. Normally I don't make a big deal about valentines day because eh, it's just a made up, commercialized holiday where men tend to spend money on woman who dont deserve gifts. However this year I am filled with some weird sense of joy. I have spent a majority of the morning on getty images looking at photos. I have turned sappy. Looing at photos of cute couples instead of working... gosh who am I? ha. And as I drove to work this morning I was thinking, "Hey what's my favorite love movie? The notebook? Serendipity?" Seriously what's the deal? Why am I thinking about this day and not being bitter, cynical and jaded? It's strange.

A True Testimony

I am reminded over and over again that I have to choose my attitude. You know when people do things that just really piss you off, whether they know they are doing it or not, well I have to choose how I am going to react to that. I have a little saying that goes along with that.

"The true testimony of a person isn't only in their sin and story; it's how they react to someone elses sin and story in reguards to their life."

Whether you are liberal or conservative you can agree with me in this; People suck a majority of the time. We all do stupid things, say stupid things, want stupid things. We don't always choose what is good. People sin against one-another all the time whether knowingly or otherwise. There is just no pretending like it doesn't happen because it does. So then we have to choose. Knowing that we all suck a majority of the time gives us grace to choose not to punch ____ in the face for loosing your cd. Grace gives us the chance to choose to love your mom when she yells at you because you know the real reason she is yelling has nothing to do with you, but rather how someone else (usually her mom or dad) sinned against her.

grace.

This doesn't mean that we get walked all over, tho. There is a boundry and a limit. There isn't grace without personal responsability. It wouldn't make any sense. But we can't take personal responsability untill we realize how much we suck and how many bad choices we make a majority of our days.

It's a good thing I am revisiting this lesson in life right now, because I actually have to share my testimony at my church this weekend, and all that I just said above is my testimony. That's all a testimony is; a retelling of ones life account. People always put this negotive connotation with a testimony—like all they are going to talk about is Jesus and God. Don't get me wrong, there will be plenty of Jesus and God, but a majority of my testimony has to do with how I suck.

but He is good.

It is not unusual for me to be tired on a monday morning, however today I am more tired than usual. I didn't get much sleep last night. I watched MythBusters for like 2 hours on the discovery channel last night, and around 12:30 am headed to bed, only to toss and turn untill 2:30 am. It totally sucked. I don't know what my problem was. I've just been in this funky mood since saturday night. It's slightly annoying and I can't really put my finger on why I am in such a weird mood.

TV on the Radio is coming to town in March. I am debating whether or not I should go to the show. I mean they rule, but eh. I also want to go to Chicago at the end of March to go see Shane&Shane. Boo. I also want to run away from this state and never return. I mean I have a car that could get me out of here..... I could techincally do it. It's that weird feeling of wanting to run. Havn't felt that in a while. Maybe I will just pack myself in Nora's duffle bag when she moves to Colorado. Or once my sister moves to Portland in April she said I could free load off of her. So I could do that. Or get a tattoo that says "chop."

Or I could just blast Tool from my desk here today (in angst, obviously) and not go anywhere.

Sometimes the distance thing gets to me.

Bravo Burrito is the Place to Let 'em Rip.

Happy v-day to me! Yea, the manfriend got me a very attractive bike pump for v-day. I am not one for the "love day" but I wont complain about this glorious, and needed bike pump. So I went to St. Cloud last night to be with Josh and he decided the place to eat dinner was Bravo Burrito. He loves their stuff. It was good, but I do have to say what was even better was something else that happened there while we indulged in some good ol' burritos.

We are sitting in a booth near the back of the joint, and to our right there is this group of four older people. Two men, two woman. They are hanging out, telling stories; nothing too earth shattering. Suddenly the woman closest to Josh and I stands up. Not only does she stand up, but she totally farts... IN OUR DIRECTION. And let me tell you, this wasnt just any fart; this was a juicey one. Like, you could just tell. Josh and I just look at eachother from across the booth, trying our best not to laugh because none of the people at her table are laughing. They just carry on with conversation. It was almost unberable sitting there watching Josh crack up because I was the one facing the people so he could just laugh all he wanted to and they wouldnt notice. It was hard core.

Here's a photo of the people I took from my camera phone. The one with the red circle is the farting-machine. These folks were talking about some random stuff last night. I cant totally remember it all, but I do remember it was ridiculous (in the sweetest way possible).

St. Cloud always has something interesting to offer me, other than the very attractive manfriend I get to see when I am there.

Raging Against the Machine

It's interesting to watch real estate professionals. My initial impression of people in the real estate business is that they are very self centered, money driven people. Not all of them, however I think a majority of them are. There is a broker support meeting here today at my association and it is interesting to watch the dynamic between all the brokers. It makes me think of MORC and how the people on the board interact with one-another. Everyone is really—cool with one-another. They are all friendly, almost like they spend a lot of time together outside of work. And maybe they do. It's interesting because I forget that a lot of these people are passionate about what they are doing for a living, just like I am passionate about cycling.

I got my facebook blocked at work. It was retaliation against supposed downloading I did on my freshly re-built PC in the office. Funny thing is, I didn't download anything; at least not intentionally. Funny how IT guys think they run the world. I was really upset about it yesterday because I felt like my integrity as an employee here was getting messed with. Like I wasn't able to be trusted with a computer and certain privileges; they didn't believe me when I said I didn't download anything. I do this thing when I drive; it was birthed out of me wishing my car was a 5-speed. I put my right hand on the shifter. Sometimes as I drive and I'm listening to some really good music I hit the shifter with my hand along to the beat. I bet you are thinking, "What the heck does this have to do with the IT guys in your office?" Well, I was so pissed off after I left work yesterday that I blasted Rage Against the Machine (because clearly the man had gotten me down) and pounded that shifter till my hand was numb. Any harder and I think I could've broken bones in my hand. It was ridiculous. I then got home from work and stomped around the house for a bit. Anything to get my anger out. I'm kind of a stress baker, so then I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Ha. Those cookies however are dual purpose; stress driven and made for "certain people". It was an interesting night. But I chilled out after a while. I am however going to talk to my boss about it today because if I don't the IT guys will think I actually downloaded that crap onto my computer.

Allow me to rock fist this one....

A Few Lessons Learned.

It's funny how my life works. It is always when I accept vulnerability that something happens to try and steer me from that. Its example time, you ready?


Maybe I would say something like, "I feel safe with you, ____ (insert name here)."


Then, after this declaration of said thing, in this case, safety, has been said, I get this sort of attack a few days later. It tends to be a Tuesday that this happens. (Maybe that's weird to you but if you knew my routine it would seem normal.... never mind.) Fleeting thoughts of how I'm "not really safe" or "I can't trust anyone with my safety but myself" come to mind. And I have to fight it. And it sucks. However for the first time in a while, I have fought off this type of worry in a proactive way. I use communication, trust and vulnerability to better my situation. Instead of pretending like I haven’t thought about the lack of safety, being scared, etc., I do in fact talk about it. It's hard, but it's totally worth it. Being open and in communication with the people who mean a lot to you is in fact really, really important and I am happy to be getting better at it with each passing day.

The UK.

I am thinking a lot about how I want to travel. Specifically to the UK. I have decided to set aside the next couple of years of my life to do stuff that maybe I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Travel is one of them. I won't give away what I want to do in the UK just yet, and I am not sure it will only be the United Kingdom (could throw in some Germany, Latvia, well anywhere in Europe actually) but I have a strong feeling it's going to happen within the next year. And it wont just be any old trip.

Bob Sorge is this really cool dude that really loves God. He wrote the book "Exploring Worship". Funny story about him. Well actually, sad story. He was quite the rocker in his day, and then became quite the worship leader until one day he totally lost his voice. Like, his voice is all raspy and they don't really know why. So now, he can't do the whole singing thing, and his voice is super raspy when he talks. It's sad. Either way, I want to read this book. It's on my list of things to do. My buddy Robert went to school in Texas and has this book leftover (it was one of his text books). So I plan on commandeering it from him and reading it. I have a strong desire to be raised up in worship leading in the church so if I can get my hands on any good literature, I will. I am really interested in Christian worship theology as well. So after I read this book I want to get into something’s that are even deeper. I don't know what those things are but heh, I'll figure it out.

Oh, and a random side note. My manfriend got the hotness. Aka a Salsa Casserolle. I am excited to see it in person. Mostly because if woman and bicycle frame were allowed to be wed, I would totally run away with this frame. Ha. Oh and here's a shameless plug for this really cool bike shop that this photo was taken at. I am such a good girlfriend.

Why do i have to ask permission?

There are some things that I would like to do without asking if it's okay. However on the other had, I want to respect people. But, there are some things I want to do that maybe freak people out? Don't get me wrong, I am not talking crazy here, I am just being vauge for the sake of being vauge. Well, more like I am being vauge because if I talk about it openly then I may as well do those things I want to without asking if they are okay.

nevermind. this probably doesnt make any sense to any of you reading this.

and on a random side note. Everyone in my office only talks to me about biking. like, they cant think of any other small talk? I love cycling, yes, but I mean its not all I do. everyday, all day long there is one dude specifically that walks past my desk and says some off the cuff biking remark.

"Oop, too cold to go biking today isnt it?"
"Oh, so is there too much snow to bike, Brianna?"
"so did you and your crazy bike make it out this weekend?"

Oh, im sorry, I didnt realize all I did was bike. I didn't realize thats all anyone can talk about. its totally, totally lame.

What is Noble?

I work at the Minneapolis Area Association of REALTORS®. I have heard from a variety of people about how I am "already in the real world." well, I am. However sometimes I feel really—left out. I look at all these people who I went to high school with, who I went to church with, who I grew up with and they are at school. And here I am, working. Don't get me wrong, working is great. Making money is great. Having a new car and awesome bikes are great. And being financially secure is great. But I will be working probably for the next 40 years of my life. I see these people who are in class, being enriched and educated and I feel judged. "Hi. I'm Brianna—the 20 year old who works in an office. The 20 year old who dropped out of college the first semester because she sucked at math so much. The 20 year old that lost focus. The 20 year old that will be stuck in a cube farm for the rest of her life."

That's what I hear sometimes.

I want so much more than this. I want to travel. To see the world. To change things. To meet people I've never met before. To invest in people. To play music. To make art. To learn history. To see things that no one else have seen before and to step foot in a place secret, ancient and forgotten by the world around us. I was made for more than sitting behind a computer all day long, answering phones, punching holes, saying "have a good day" with a semi-fake and jealous smile because that person who I just told to have a good day gets to walk out that door while I sit here and do whatever it is I am doing.

I know I wont be here the rest of my life. I know that because I desire more than this, I will get more than this. I know that working in this beloved "cube farm" isn't actually bad. It isn't worthless, and the people that do the same things day in and day out aren’t worthless either. There is beauty in the ordinary that I think a lot of us miss from day to day. The beauty of comfort and security. So many people think it's boring and too planned out. But to be so secure in yourself, or in my case, so secure in my God that I can wake up day to day at 6:30 a.m. and fast track it to the bathroom in a mad rush to get out the door by 7:17 at the latest (because any later means I will be stuck in the worst a.m. traffic know to mankind). I can sit here from day to day and do whatever I put my hand to, and do it well; to do this takes courage. People miss the beauty in that.

I miss the beauty in that.

I think "this isn't adventure, this isn't life changing, or earth shaking." But what is? Do we need a world war, a genocide, men and women getting raped, children getting aborted, huge mountains to be climbed and conquered, nuclear weapons to be built, or fill in the noble _____ here? Do we need those things to change the world? To be caught up in something bigger than ourselves? To shake someone to their core? Do we need that?

The answer undoubtedly is in fact, Yes. Yes we do need something noble to live for and something noble to stand for. But the examples I gave are not the everyday occurrences. It is however, just as noble for me to make eye contact, smile and tell that crabby REALTOR® to "have a good day", and actually mean it. That right there, could be life changing and could shake any of us to our core.

I've come to a conclusion....

first, I'd rather make goofy faces in photos than actual smiles.

Second, 5 car pile-up's are incredibly sobering experiances (I saw one yesterday).

Third, Jesus, yea I'm a fan of Him.

Not much to report. Just hanging out. Went to a wedding last night for my friends Shawn and Cherice and it was amazing. They are going to make it a long, long time. I just know it. MarthaJoy, Nora, Josh and I went out to Micky's diner in St.Paul after the wedding and embraced the sleezy-food. I love Micky's. When we go we always say we are going to get pancakes and then we always get burgers. But we have a good time even if you we go back on our pancake eating plans.

It's kindof early for staying up untill 3 a.m. I dont know why I am awake.... back to sleep....